09 March, 2016

Growing up

Growing up is so difficult. For adults and for children. It's almost as if, while Sullivan is growing up, I'm growing up a second time. When I was little I figured I would grow up and then stop. But as I have gotten older and different life experiences happen, I realize, no one ever truly grows up and stops. We all continue to grow up slowly, even after we think we are all done growing. 
I do suppose no one truly ever finishes growing up and has that complete knowledge of life. Maybe that's where wisdom comes in. I know some very wise people, but every now and then they don't act so "grown up". And I'm not talking about maturity. I've met some immature "adults" and some very mature "children". I think it's a mix of trying to grow and progress, and to come to a knowledge of truth. 
At least for myself, I feel that's what growing up means. Not just simply maturing but coming to truth and accepting things for how they are and learning from it. 

10 November, 2015

Time

It has been quite a long time since I've written on my blog! Sometimes I forget I have one. Well lets see, I'm married to Blake, I have a son named Sullivan, I still have my cat (Mousse) and I no longer own a dog. Such a lot has happened in the last few years. Sullivan is almost 2! Which is insane to think that time has gone by so fast. And i coach both boys and girls water polo at Rogers High School. And i love it. but sometimes i wonder how long i should keep it up. How long is too long to coach. how short is too short? will i regret stopping. will i regret continuing for too long? These are questions i suppose only time will answer. i know i'll be continuing on at least for another year. But perhaps when Blake and i decide to make our little family bigger, i'll stop coaching then. Who knows. Blake will be going to school this upcoming year. I cant believe it'll be 2016! I also can't believe I'll be 27 in January or that it's been 8 years since I graduated High School! Where does the time go!? Why wasn't I paying attention? I hope that I wont let these next few years blow by me. I don't want to miss anything important and look back and wonder why I didn't take the time to stop and enjoy life. Like spending actual quality time with my family. Or missing Sullivan growing up because i was too focused on selfish things. Opportunity wont knock a second time, at least not in the same way.

28 June, 2013

Friends

Having good friends is the best! My friend Marissa a.k.a. "Hefty", is so stinking hilarious! And she's just awesome. I can always count on her to be honest with me and she's always good at lifting my spirits when I'm feeling down. We are kindred spirits, that's for sure. :) Not to say we don't have differences, we do. But they are very small to say the least. I am very blessed to have such a good friend in my life.

Life, It's always a surprise

My life is always full of surprises. And that's alright. I don't mind surprises! I am pregnant and I am not sure what gender my baby will be, since I haven't seen a doctor yet. Which is kinda dumb...to be honest. But we're super excited!! I can't wait to add to my little family. Right now it's just me and blake, and my cat and dog. So, needless to say we're excited for a baby! People ask me if i want a boy or a girl first, and to be honest, all i want is a healthy baby. :)

20 May, 2013

Weighty matters

You know it's been awhile since I blogged anything. But that's not too surprising. I don't usually share my thoughts/feelings about personal things but maybe I should more often. 

Now I'm a chubby girl. I may not be morbidly obese but I'm sure not thin either. And in my house growing up almost everyone is thin. And sometimes my parents can be weird about weight. Like being over weight is the worst thing I can be. And every now and again I hear a remark or comment that I need to lose weight. (Which is true losing some weight  is alway a good thing) and I know they're saying these things out of concern for my health. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings. 

People treat me differently because I'm chubby. I've been thin and I wasn't particularly happy about it. My body image issues were still there and all my other problems didn't cease to exist just because I was in shape and thin. The only thing that changed was my parents comments. Rather than saying "you don't look hungry" I would hear " you look great". What my parents saw was a healthy teenager. Well that wasn't true. I may have been swimming almost 6-7 hours a day to be in that great shape but I wasn't eating either. I would starve myself. Which is extremely unhealthy. 

But they didn't know or see that part of the deal. All they saw or maybe wanted to see was that I was "healthy and in shape". As I got out of school and gained weight again I would hear every now and again " you should join a gym". 

As a young adult it makes me wonder if they love me less because I'm not "healthy". And that's not true at all I know very well that my parents love and support me. They're wonderful parents I couldn't ask for better ones. But with this one subject they can't seem to let go. And they may not realize it but it does hurt my feelings. It's like all they see is a chubby daughter. They have a hard time seeing past that flaw to see the happy, married daughter who is doing so well in her life then she was before. 

I know who I am. Whether I'm fat or thin. And I'm mostly happy with who I am. I'm actively going to church, I'm in a successful marriage with a wonderful husband, I don't have any addictions, I'm not depressed, I'm making friends in my new ward at church. I love life and I love being alive in this era where there are so many wonderful things happening. 

And sometimes I feel all of that, is for lack of a better word, dismissed in my parents perspective. And I doubt that's actually true for them. But when all they can discuss with me is that I need to lose weight and be "healthy" it's hard for me to think differently about it. It's almost as if people think because I'm fat that it can't or doesn't hurt my feelings when they say mean things. Like all that blubber just blocks the hurt away. And that's not true at all. I may smile or laugh at some hurtful comment but I don't like people seeing how hurt it makes me feel. I'm not saying all of this for people to feel sorry for me or just so I can complain. Many people who read this may think " just lose weight dummy then no one will say anything to you about it". That could very well be true. But it just makes me think that for people to accept me or care about me then I need to be thin to accomplish that. People who are chubby have body image issues and some think "if I'm in shape all of that will go away. All of me problems will be solved" and that's not true. Their problems will still be waiting there for them. Being happy with who you are no matter what is really the goal people should have. I've known a few very in shape women and men who dislike themselves and constantly think "if I can lose just 5 more pounds then I'll be happy". If you're not happy now what makes you think you'll be happy then?

12 December, 2012

Life....it is surprisingly painful sometimes

Now don't get the wrong impression from the title. I'm not talking about some emotional pain crap. I'm talking about actual physical pain. And right now, my abdomen is in some severe pain. I ended up at the hospital last night because of it. Lucky for me there are some awesome doctor's working at the ER. They plugged me into an IV and I got to enjoy some lovely pain killers. And then I got a procedure called an ultrasound done on my organs. Truly it was lovely. And what I got to discover is I have gallbladder stones. Which means I can no longer eat foods with a lot of fat in them. Like: Cheese, all fast food, butter, etc.... Not that I eat just butter by itself. That would be nasty. Anyway, so I have the wonderful option of having surgery next week to get my gallbladder removed. This will be my 3rd surgery ever. I can't say that I'm particularly excited about it. Especially a week before Christmas. What a great gift to me, huh? Well it'll be a nice chance to lose weight and get in better shape. But still I hate being on pain killers and all that jazz. I guess a bonus is that I don't have to stay in the hospital for a long time. It's mainly just the surgery and then I can go home later that day. Life is full of surprises I suppose. But it's just a lesson to live healthy and you wont have health problems like gallbladder stones. Which is incredibly painful to deal with, just to let you know. Not fun.....at all.

02 November, 2012

Thoughts

Well a lot happens in just a few months. Its crazy really...I'm married, I moved to Utah, I've lived here for 8 months now. And funny thing is...it doesn't feel like its been that long. All my nieces and nephews are growing up and it's weird. But getting married has brought with it a new perspective on life. Growing up is a big deal. And I wish I had taken the advice "don't try to grow up too fast". Cause now I'm grown and starting a family of my own and life comes at you pretty fast. Savor the little things is good advice i have received. Its that advice I'm going to try and follow. But this poem struck me and I feel the need to share it. Its very beautiful and powerful. It's called "God's Eternal Ink". I dreamed I was in heaven Where an angel kept God's book. He was writing so intently I just had to take a look. It was not, at first, his writing That made me stop and think But the fluid in the bottle That was marked eternal ink. This ink was most amazing, Dark black upon his blotter But as it touched the parchment It became as clear as water. The angel kept on writing, But as quickly as a wink The words were disappearing With that strange eternal ink. The angel took no notice, But kept writing on and on. He turned each page and filled it Till all its space was gone. I thought he wrote to no avail, His efforts were so vain For he wrote a thousand pages That he'd never read again. And as I watched and wondered that This awesome sight was mine, I actually saw a word stay black As it dried upon the line. The angel wrote and I thought I saw A look of satisfaction. At last he had some print to show For all his earnest action. A line or two dried dark and stayed As black as black can be, But strangely the next paragraph Became invisible to see. The book was getting fuller, The angel's records true, But most of it was blank, with Just a few words coming through. I knew there was some reason, But as hard as I could think, I couldn't grasp the significance Of that eternal ink. The mystery burned within me, And I finally dared to ask The angel to explain to me Of his amazing task. And what I heard was frightful As the angel turned his head. He looked directly at me, And this is what he said... I know you stand and wonder At what my writing's worth But God has told me to record The lives of those on earth. The book that I am filling Is an accurate account Of every word and action And to what they do amount. And since you have been watching I must tell you what is true; The details of my journal Are the strict accounts of YOU. The Lord asked me to watch you As each day you worked and played. I saw you as you went to church, I saw you as you prayed. But I was told to document Your life through all the week. I wrote when you were proud and bold, I wrote when you were meek. I recorded all your attitudes Whether they were good or bad. I was sorry that I had to write The things that make God sad. So now I'll tell the wonder Of this eternal ink, For the reason for it's mystery Should make you stop and think. This ink that God created To help me keep my journal Will only keep a record of Things that are eternal. So much of life is wasted On things that matter not So instead of my erasing, Smudging ink and ugly blot. I just keep writing faithfully and Let the ink do all the rest For it is able to decide What's useless and what's best. And God ordained that as I write Of all you do and say Your deeds that count for nothing Will just disappear away. When books are opened someday, As sure as heaven is true; The Lord's eternal ink will tell What mattered most to you. If you just lived to please yourself The pages will be bare, And God will issue no reward For you when you get there. In fact, you'll be embarrassed, You will hang your head in shame Because you did not give yourself In love to God's Name. Yet maybe there will be a few Recorded lines that stayed That showed the times you truly cared, Sincerely loved and prayed. But you will always wonder As you enter heaven's door How much more glad you would have been If only you'd done more. For I record as God sees, I don't stop to even think Because the truth is written With God's eternal ink. When I heard the angel's story I fell down and wept and cried For as yet I still was dreaming I hadn't really died. And I said: O angel tell the Lord That soon as I awake I'll live my life for God- I'll do all for His dear sake. I'll give in full surrender; I'll do all He wants me to I'll turn my back on self and sin And whatever isn't true. And though the way seems long and rough I promise to endure. I'm determined to pursue the things That are holy, clean and pure. With God as my helper, I will win lost souls to Thee, For I know that they will live with thee For all eternity. And that's what really matters When my life on earth is gone That I will stand before the Lord And hear Him say, well done. For is it really worth it As my life lies at the brink? And I realize that God keeps books With His eternal ink. Should all my life be focused On things that turn to dust? From this point on I'll serve the Lord; I can, I will, I must! I will NOT send blank pages Up to God's majestic throne For where that record's going now Is my eternal home. I'm giving all to God I now have seen the link For I saw an angel write my life With God's eternal ink. --- Craig F. Pitts What a beautiful and simple message. It makes you think and wonder, it helps put some things into perspective.

06 May, 2012

Married Life

Married life is great. I get to experience something new...and I get to share it with someone I love. I think that is the best part of it. I don't have to go through this new adventure alone. :) Some things that may be scary to deal with alone aren't a problem anymore. I have someone to comfort me or share in my fears. I must say, its nice not to have to deal with all of my worries and troubles alone. Not that I was alone before, I have friends and family that are always supportive and helpful. But its a little different having someone who knows exactly how you feel and whats going on. It is such a relief. Being married is wonderful. Of course, it has its moments of anxiety and frustration. But you end up learning real quick that....its not a big deal. Heavenly Father helps us and answers our prayers. In more ways then one, I've come to find out. Its fantastic.

02 February, 2012

Collected Quotes from Albert Einstein

EINSTEIN....HE'S A SMART MAN.

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."
"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."
"I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
"The only real valuable thing is intuition."
"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."
"I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice."
"God is subtle but he is not malicious."
"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."
"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."
"The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility."
"Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."
"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
"Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it."
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."
"God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically."
"The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking."
"Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal."
"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible."
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."
"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."
"Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater."
"Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity."
"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."
"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
"In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep."
"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead."
"Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves."
"Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!"
"No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?"
"My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind."
"Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever."
"The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker."
"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."
"The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge."
"Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."
"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
"One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year."
"...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought."
"He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder."
"A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."
"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)