Questions

As I've grown up, I've come to understand that sometimes we ask questions of people that are truly personal and we treat it as trivial. For example, we joke with friends and family about when they will have children. Now as simple and innocent as this question is, its an extremely loaded and personal inquiry. Asking someone, jokingly, when they will have kids can cause some issues. What if they've been trying to have children and have been unsuccessful? Or if they just found out they couldn't have any? Or that, because of medical issues, getting pregnant could be an extremely difficult task and it could cause them great distress just bringing it up. Or maybe, they just miscarried and hadn't told anyone. That we trivialize such an important and sacred thing, makes it seem like their struggle is not a big deal. Or we don't value their efforts. I feel like we treat peoples struggles, that are very difficult for them, as ridiculous or meaningless. Because we see that it's not too bad or it's not something that's hard for us to deal with. Or my favorite one "well it could be worse...", yes it very well could be worse, but that doesn't take away their struggle or their feelings about what they're going through. I think if we would take a moment, and feel some empathy towards other human beings, then we would have better relationships. I am also a victim of this kind of thinking, the "suck it up and move on" mentality. Now, in some circumstances, that mentality is good to have, things that truly are trivial are good to get over. But when someone has a broken heart, or an intense struggle, then we should show kindness, thoughtfulness, and understanding. Most of the time, all anyone wants, is someone to recognize their struggle. To know they hurt, and they aren't alone with that pain. When my little boy falls down, I usually say "You're okay. Just get up. You're fine." Now in some ways this is a good approach. Because it teaches him to work through a struggle. But at the same time, he's 2. And all he wants is his mommy to show some love, give him a hug, kiss his ouchy, and say "I know it hurts, but you'll be alright, I'm here." Sometimes, we need to extend that courtesy to those around us. Another weird comment or question that people ask a lot is about breastfeeding. Whether or not you do or don't somehow dictates how good or qualified a mother you are. That formula feeding is somehow less better than breastfeeding. And yes, breast milk is very good for your growing baby, but guess what, so is formula. Comments about breast feeding in pubic, are totally unnecessary. If women can walk around half naked and no one cares. Then what is the big deal about someone feeding their child in a public setting? Nothing. Nothing is wrong with it. I don't understand why someone feels the need to comment to a mother who is doing her best to supply nutrients for their child, who is exhausted, stressed, and already nervous about feeding them in public, about it. And to make them feel bad. It serves no real purpose other than showing that you're a hypocritical jerk. A simple kind word to a random person, can change their day. Maybe a smile to someone on the street. Telling someone they look beautiful, even when you can see that they don't feel that way about themselves. Everyone deserves to feel beautiful, to feel valued for more than their appearance. That their struggles will pass and that those around them can show understanding, rather than judgement. Too often we are quick to judge. Either about appearance, personality, experiences they've had, anything that makes a person different in a negative way to our own lives. I catch myself judging people according to some of these things. And for a good portion of them, i am wrong. Not always, sometimes I get a feeling about a person and its not wrong. But that isn't always the case. Anyway, my opinion on this discussion is done. What I really hope to have gotten across is that, not everyone is what you think they are and sometimes we ought to be more kind, tolerant, and understanding.

Stupid Teenagers

Well, lets see...not sure exactly what to write. Maybe I'm just rambling on here because its late and I'm bored. Water Polo is almost over. Thank goodness, cause I've had it up to here with all these teenage girls. I am not a drama person. I don't like it, I don't usually deal with drama or dramatic people, and I have had so much drama this season. It never fails. Almost every season, always at the end, we get these girls who cause all this drama crap. EVERY YEAR....if I could, I think I would only coach the Boys season. Boys are more dedicated, work harder, more aggressive with the sport, and overall, are so much easier to work with. They don't cause a bunch of drama. If they are mad about something, they punch the guy and then its over with. None of this back stabbing, bad mouthing, drama that the girls do. It's always about the sport with the guys, they always just want to get better. And I love that. THe girls are always so worried about what they look like or if they are going to look stupid because they don't know everything about the sport. Let me tell you, the boys couldn't care less if they look dumb. The guys just want to play. And the girls hold these grudges for decades! its so STUPID. The guys just want to beat the other team...which is what the girls should do. But they psych themselves out over the stupidest thing. And the girls get so distracted by boyfriends. Guys who have girlfriends, never skip practice to be with them. Sports are always the priority for the guys. It just astounds me that these girls would do that. I had a boyfriend in high school. He understood that I had team practice and would come support me at games and I understood he had his own life and responsibilities. It was never this needy, whiny, insecurity that these athletes/teenagers have now. I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted (to play polo or swim) and nothing, boy, injury, etc. would get in my way. I have always been an athlete. So I don't understand this generations lack of commitment to their sport. It just boggles my mind. I have never met a more disinterested generation. Its all about the social media (snapchat, facebook, instagram). How many likes and smileys they can get somehow adds up to their self worth. Maybe I am lucky that I've always been sure of who I am. At least sure of who I am as a human being. That, yes, others opinions do matter, but not everyone's opinion. Anyway, that's enough of my ranting. I hope that my future children will know who they are and be comfortable with that. I hope my little Sullivan will grow to be a confident young man who is comfortable with life and who he will become. I hope what someone might take from this isn't that I think all teenagers nowadays are stupid shallow idiots. I just hope that these kids will learn to be who they are without all this social media crap. Cause it doesn't matter how many likes a person gets, that doesn't show how much you are valued as a person. Actual relationships with people, who genuinely love and care for them is what matters. Loving acts of kindness, charity, and love, along with common courtesy for our fellow man, will show what kind of person you are. Dedicated to their sports, school, family, religion, etc., without just quitting in the middle because it gets too difficult. But actually finishing what they start with 100% and using what they learn to help with future life experiences and events.

Growing up

Growing up is so difficult. For adults and for children. It's almost as if, while Sullivan is growing up, I'm growing up a second time. When I was little I figured I would grow up and then stop. But as I have gotten older and different life experiences happen, I realize, no one ever truly grows up and stops. We all continue to grow up slowly, even after we think we are all done growing. 

I do suppose no one truly ever finishes growing up and has that complete knowledge of life. Maybe that's where wisdom comes in. I know some very wise people, but every now and then they don't act so "grown up". And I'm not talking about maturity. I've met some immature "adults" and some very mature "children". I think it's a mix of trying to grow and progress, and to come to a knowledge of truth. 

At least for myself, I feel that's what growing up means. Not just simply maturing but coming to truth and accepting things for how they are and learning from it. 

Time

It has been quite a long time since I've written on my blog! Sometimes I forget I have one. Well lets see, I'm married to Blake, I have a son named Sullivan, I still have my cat (Mousse) and I no longer own a dog. Such a lot has happened in the last few years. Sullivan is almost 2! Which is insane to think that time has gone by so fast. And i coach both boys and girls water polo at Rogers High School. And i love it. but sometimes i wonder how long i should keep it up. How long is too long to coach. how short is too short? will i regret stopping. will i regret continuing for too long? These are questions i suppose only time will answer. i know i'll be continuing on at least for another year. But perhaps when Blake and i decide to make our little family bigger, i'll stop coaching then. Who knows. Blake will be going to school this upcoming year. I cant believe it'll be 2016! I also can't believe I'll be 27 in January or that it's been 8 years since I graduated High School! Where does the time go!? Why wasn't I paying attention? I hope that I wont let these next few years blow by me. I don't want to miss anything important and look back and wonder why I didn't take the time to stop and enjoy life. Like spending actual quality time with my family. Or missing Sullivan growing up because i was too focused on selfish things. Opportunity wont knock a second time, at least not in the same way.

Friends

Having good friends is the best! My friend Marissa a.k.a. "Hefty", is so stinking hilarious! And she's just awesome. I can always count on her to be honest with me and she's always good at lifting my spirits when I'm feeling down. We are kindred spirits, that's for sure. :) Not to say we don't have differences, we do. But they are very small to say the least. I am very blessed to have such a good friend in my life.

Life, It's always a surprise

My life is always full of surprises. And that's alright. I don't mind surprises! I am pregnant and I am not sure what gender my baby will be, since I haven't seen a doctor yet. Which is kinda dumb...to be honest. But we're super excited!! I can't wait to add to my little family. Right now it's just me and blake, and my cat and dog. So, needless to say we're excited for a baby! People ask me if i want a boy or a girl first, and to be honest, all i want is a healthy baby. :)

Weighty matters

You know it's been awhile since I blogged anything. But that's not too surprising. I don't usually share my thoughts/feelings about personal things but maybe I should more often. 

Now I'm a chubby girl. I may not be morbidly obese but I'm sure not thin either. And in my house growing up almost everyone is thin. And sometimes my parents can be weird about weight. Like being over weight is the worst thing I can be. And every now and again I hear a remark or comment that I need to lose weight. (Which is true losing some weight  is alway a good thing) and I know they're saying these things out of concern for my health. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings. 

People treat me differently because I'm chubby. I've been thin and I wasn't particularly happy about it. My body image issues were still there and all my other problems didn't cease to exist just because I was in shape and thin. The only thing that changed was my parents comments. Rather than saying "you don't look hungry" I would hear " you look great". What my parents saw was a healthy teenager. Well that wasn't true. I may have been swimming almost 6-7 hours a day to be in that great shape but I wasn't eating either. I would starve myself. Which is extremely unhealthy. 

But they didn't know or see that part of the deal. All they saw or maybe wanted to see was that I was "healthy and in shape". As I got out of school and gained weight again I would hear every now and again " you should join a gym". 

As a young adult it makes me wonder if they love me less because I'm not "healthy". And that's not true at all I know very well that my parents love and support me. They're wonderful parents I couldn't ask for better ones. But with this one subject they can't seem to let go. And they may not realize it but it does hurt my feelings. It's like all they see is a chubby daughter. They have a hard time seeing past that flaw to see the happy, married daughter who is doing so well in her life then she was before. 

I know who I am. Whether I'm fat or thin. And I'm mostly happy with who I am. I'm actively going to church, I'm in a successful marriage with a wonderful husband, I don't have any addictions, I'm not depressed, I'm making friends in my new ward at church. I love life and I love being alive in this era where there are so many wonderful things happening. 

And sometimes I feel all of that, is for lack of a better word, dismissed in my parents perspective. And I doubt that's actually true for them. But when all they can discuss with me is that I need to lose weight and be "healthy" it's hard for me to think differently about it. It's almost as if people think because I'm fat that it can't or doesn't hurt my feelings when they say mean things. Like all that blubber just blocks the hurt away. And that's not true at all. I may smile or laugh at some hurtful comment but I don't like people seeing how hurt it makes me feel. I'm not saying all of this for people to feel sorry for me or just so I can complain. Many people who read this may think " just lose weight dummy then no one will say anything to you about it". That could very well be true. But it just makes me think that for people to accept me or care about me then I need to be thin to accomplish that. People who are chubby have body image issues and some think "if I'm in shape all of that will go away. All of me problems will be solved" and that's not true. Their problems will still be waiting there for them. Being happy with who you are no matter what is really the goal people should have. I've known a few very in shape women and men who dislike themselves and constantly think "if I can lose just 5 more pounds then I'll be happy". If you're not happy now what makes you think you'll be happy then?

Life....it is surprisingly painful sometimes

Now don't get the wrong impression from the title. I'm not talking about some emotional pain crap. I'm talking about actual physical pain. And right now, my abdomen is in some severe pain. I ended up at the hospital last night because of it. Lucky for me there are some awesome doctor's working at the ER. They plugged me into an IV and I got to enjoy some lovely pain killers. And then I got a procedure called an ultrasound done on my organs. Truly it was lovely. And what I got to discover is I have gallbladder stones. Which means I can no longer eat foods with a lot of fat in them. Like: Cheese, all fast food, butter, etc.... Not that I eat just butter by itself. That would be nasty. Anyway, so I have the wonderful option of having surgery next week to get my gallbladder removed. This will be my 3rd surgery ever. I can't say that I'm particularly excited about it. Especially a week before Christmas. What a great gift to me, huh? Well it'll be a nice chance to lose weight and get in better shape. But still I hate being on pain killers and all that jazz. I guess a bonus is that I don't have to stay in the hospital for a long time. It's mainly just the surgery and then I can go home later that day. Life is full of surprises I suppose. But it's just a lesson to live healthy and you wont have health problems like gallbladder stones. Which is incredibly painful to deal with, just to let you know. Not fun.....at all.

Thoughts

Well a lot happens in just a few months. Its crazy really...I'm married, I moved to Utah, I've lived here for 8 months now. And funny thing is...it doesn't feel like its been that long. All my nieces and nephews are growing up and it's weird. But getting married has brought with it a new perspective on life. Growing up is a big deal. And I wish I had taken the advice "don't try to grow up too fast". Cause now I'm grown and starting a family of my own and life comes at you pretty fast. Savor the little things is good advice i have received. Its that advice I'm going to try and follow. But this poem struck me and I feel the need to share it. Its very beautiful and powerful. It's called "God's Eternal Ink". I dreamed I was in heaven Where an angel kept God's book. He was writing so intently I just had to take a look. It was not, at first, his writing That made me stop and think But the fluid in the bottle That was marked eternal ink. This ink was most amazing, Dark black upon his blotter But as it touched the parchment It became as clear as water. The angel kept on writing, But as quickly as a wink The words were disappearing With that strange eternal ink. The angel took no notice, But kept writing on and on. He turned each page and filled it Till all its space was gone. I thought he wrote to no avail, His efforts were so vain For he wrote a thousand pages That he'd never read again. And as I watched and wondered that This awesome sight was mine, I actually saw a word stay black As it dried upon the line. The angel wrote and I thought I saw A look of satisfaction. At last he had some print to show For all his earnest action. A line or two dried dark and stayed As black as black can be, But strangely the next paragraph Became invisible to see. The book was getting fuller, The angel's records true, But most of it was blank, with Just a few words coming through. I knew there was some reason, But as hard as I could think, I couldn't grasp the significance Of that eternal ink. The mystery burned within me, And I finally dared to ask The angel to explain to me Of his amazing task. And what I heard was frightful As the angel turned his head. He looked directly at me, And this is what he said... I know you stand and wonder At what my writing's worth But God has told me to record The lives of those on earth. The book that I am filling Is an accurate account Of every word and action And to what they do amount. And since you have been watching I must tell you what is true; The details of my journal Are the strict accounts of YOU. The Lord asked me to watch you As each day you worked and played. I saw you as you went to church, I saw you as you prayed. But I was told to document Your life through all the week. I wrote when you were proud and bold, I wrote when you were meek. I recorded all your attitudes Whether they were good or bad. I was sorry that I had to write The things that make God sad. So now I'll tell the wonder Of this eternal ink, For the reason for it's mystery Should make you stop and think. This ink that God created To help me keep my journal Will only keep a record of Things that are eternal. So much of life is wasted On things that matter not So instead of my erasing, Smudging ink and ugly blot. I just keep writing faithfully and Let the ink do all the rest For it is able to decide What's useless and what's best. And God ordained that as I write Of all you do and say Your deeds that count for nothing Will just disappear away. When books are opened someday, As sure as heaven is true; The Lord's eternal ink will tell What mattered most to you. If you just lived to please yourself The pages will be bare, And God will issue no reward For you when you get there. In fact, you'll be embarrassed, You will hang your head in shame Because you did not give yourself In love to God's Name. Yet maybe there will be a few Recorded lines that stayed That showed the times you truly cared, Sincerely loved and prayed. But you will always wonder As you enter heaven's door How much more glad you would have been If only you'd done more. For I record as God sees, I don't stop to even think Because the truth is written With God's eternal ink. When I heard the angel's story I fell down and wept and cried For as yet I still was dreaming I hadn't really died. And I said: O angel tell the Lord That soon as I awake I'll live my life for God- I'll do all for His dear sake. I'll give in full surrender; I'll do all He wants me to I'll turn my back on self and sin And whatever isn't true. And though the way seems long and rough I promise to endure. I'm determined to pursue the things That are holy, clean and pure. With God as my helper, I will win lost souls to Thee, For I know that they will live with thee For all eternity. And that's what really matters When my life on earth is gone That I will stand before the Lord And hear Him say, well done. For is it really worth it As my life lies at the brink? And I realize that God keeps books With His eternal ink. Should all my life be focused On things that turn to dust? From this point on I'll serve the Lord; I can, I will, I must! I will NOT send blank pages Up to God's majestic throne For where that record's going now Is my eternal home. I'm giving all to God I now have seen the link For I saw an angel write my life With God's eternal ink. --- Craig F. Pitts What a beautiful and simple message. It makes you think and wonder, it helps put some things into perspective.