06 October, 2009
tired
I really kinda hate life....not always...sometimes life is good but for the most part its kinda sucky...what a sad realization. It seems I need to change that aspect of myself. I need to stop lookin at everything as if it was horrible...I used to have such a bright outlook on life. I was excited for the future and what it had for me. What changed? why is it different now? Why did I let my pain wrap around me like a sodden blanket that wont let go? Interesting....Why wont I let it go...what's wrong with me? Is it my deep insecurities....I'm not as beautiful as the rest of my family, I'll never look like that, can't anyone love me who doesn't have to?.......No one can know me....not the real me....I put up a barrier every time. One or two people actually know how I am...only one has actually accepted me. I don't know if I can take it anymore. Always pushing people away...
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Hey B.
ReplyDeleteHow are you doing? It has been a while since we have spoken. I just wanted to let you know that I think about you often and hope that you are doing well. Maybe you will find that if you didn't put your "barrier" up that there is actually more people than you think that accept you. Also, as beautiful as your whole is, honestly, you are the most beautiful out of all of them!
TAMSYN! RUDE! Just kidding B, I honestly think you are way more beautiful! But I've told you that over and over, YOU have to believe it! Oh and hey, I love you and I really don't have to! ;) Don't hate life, its a gift babe, really truly. I really do LOVE YOU!!!! I want to see you, hopefully soon! (kisses & hugs!)
ReplyDeleteOkay, um, what the crap..."I'm not as beautiful as the rest of my family, I'll never look like that, can't anyone love me who doesn't have to?" First off, you look just like the rest of us, and we have always said how beautiful you are, so basically it sounds like you're passing the blame of your insecurities on us like we are the ones that gave it to you. Second, we don't have to love you either, we just can't help it:) Third, I think that you are looking for a reason to feel special, different, one of a kind. Well you are special becuase you have such amazing talents and qualities; you just don't see them as special unfortunately. You are different because we are ALL different as much as we are the same. Don't think that you are the only one that is going through what you are going through, I especially know what it's like. You are one of a kind because there is only one Brenda Marie. And if you remember that you are a daughter of God you will see how fantastic she is. Go talk with your Bishop about what's bothering you, kip. I love you so freaking much...just know that!!!!!!!!
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