I am going nowhere....awesome...
I am watching the Office. Probably the best show ever. I know most people find it annoying. But uh...its amazing.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
unce unce unce......*sexy dance*
The world would be a boring silence without music.
Travelling is not for me.
Fears: clowns, spiders, failure, drowning.....(which is ironic since i'm a swimmer)
Having a boyfriend: can be bliss ( there Kristie i changed it.)
11 August, 2009
10 August, 2009
Watchmen
"Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. Its us. Only us." -Rorschach
"Why do we argue? Life's so fragile...[...]...The horror is this: in the end, it is simply a picture of empty meaningless blackness. We are alone. There is nothing else."
"Why do we argue? Life's so fragile...[...]...The horror is this: in the end, it is simply a picture of empty meaningless blackness. We are alone. There is nothing else."
Something to Think About.
Poguers Journal: February 25th:
"I have wanted to die. Not just vaguely thought about it. But really wanted to end everything. Its because I'm depressed. I know this. Finally admitted it I suppose. Nothing yet. Nothing has happened. I just sink farther and farther into the oblivion of morbid thoughts. The heart ache has yet to fall away like it did the last time. Nothing. Everything hurts. The anguish is all that I seem capable to think and feel about. I did something I never thought I would. I cut. I caused myself physical pain simply because the emotional pain was to much to deal with. I couldn't see that pain. It was just there. Constantly eating away at me. It was almost as if I needed that scratch. To show me that things heal. But then I found out something. Its addictive. You wouldn't think so. Oh but it is. I cut myself at first because it hurt not to. (which makes sense to me but I doubt it does to anyone else) but then I started cutting simply to cut. You get numb to it after awhile. Like anything else you do, after you do it a bunch of times you just get used to it. It doesn't hurt anymore to do it. No one knows..."
Poguers Journal:February 27th:
"....I think he saw them when I talked to him today. I hope he didn't. My parents haven't noticed them. Which surprises me since I wear tank tops around the house. But I have been able to either hide them or talk my way out of the questions..."Neglect becomes my ally"."
Poguers Journal:March 3rd:
"....Yup. He noticed. He asked to see them. I showed him my arms. They are riddled with cuts, the entire length of both of them. Pain in his eyes...I realize then, that my actions really don't affect just me."
Now: For your information these are actual journal entrees. But just so you know. I am still depressed. I still think about death for the most part but that's kind of ebbing away. I told my parents I would like to see a therapist. Because I know all of this is rather sad and twisted. I haven't cut in a long while. At least a month or so from today's date....I long to do it. But I promised not to...so I do the lesser of two evils. I snap a rubber band on my wrist when I need to suppress strong emotions of anger or pain. I know that still isn't healthy or good but its apparently better then cutting. I try to keep my mind off of such things by keeping busy. But I am extremely depressed at the moment. I seem to keep losing friends, they are leaving. My confidante is leaving....I tell her mostly everything when I really need to think or get something out. Since the person I told most things to asked me to stop. So I went to her for advice instead of him. Which is alright I guess. I really didn't have a choice. I wasn't about to ruin whatever shred of friendship I had left with him. She didn't seem to mind. I'm going to miss her something terrible. She doesn't leave for another two days and I already ache. I had another friend betray my trust recently and treat me like garbage. Such frustrations. I don't want to forgive her. Though I know I should. Ironically, I'm happier nowadays then I was before. It may not sound like it by reading this. But I am.
"I have wanted to die. Not just vaguely thought about it. But really wanted to end everything. Its because I'm depressed. I know this. Finally admitted it I suppose. Nothing yet. Nothing has happened. I just sink farther and farther into the oblivion of morbid thoughts. The heart ache has yet to fall away like it did the last time. Nothing. Everything hurts. The anguish is all that I seem capable to think and feel about. I did something I never thought I would. I cut. I caused myself physical pain simply because the emotional pain was to much to deal with. I couldn't see that pain. It was just there. Constantly eating away at me. It was almost as if I needed that scratch. To show me that things heal. But then I found out something. Its addictive. You wouldn't think so. Oh but it is. I cut myself at first because it hurt not to. (which makes sense to me but I doubt it does to anyone else) but then I started cutting simply to cut. You get numb to it after awhile. Like anything else you do, after you do it a bunch of times you just get used to it. It doesn't hurt anymore to do it. No one knows..."
Poguers Journal:February 27th:
"....I think he saw them when I talked to him today. I hope he didn't. My parents haven't noticed them. Which surprises me since I wear tank tops around the house. But I have been able to either hide them or talk my way out of the questions..."Neglect becomes my ally"."
Poguers Journal:March 3rd:
"....Yup. He noticed. He asked to see them. I showed him my arms. They are riddled with cuts, the entire length of both of them. Pain in his eyes...I realize then, that my actions really don't affect just me."
Now: For your information these are actual journal entrees. But just so you know. I am still depressed. I still think about death for the most part but that's kind of ebbing away. I told my parents I would like to see a therapist. Because I know all of this is rather sad and twisted. I haven't cut in a long while. At least a month or so from today's date....I long to do it. But I promised not to...so I do the lesser of two evils. I snap a rubber band on my wrist when I need to suppress strong emotions of anger or pain. I know that still isn't healthy or good but its apparently better then cutting. I try to keep my mind off of such things by keeping busy. But I am extremely depressed at the moment. I seem to keep losing friends, they are leaving. My confidante is leaving....I tell her mostly everything when I really need to think or get something out. Since the person I told most things to asked me to stop. So I went to her for advice instead of him. Which is alright I guess. I really didn't have a choice. I wasn't about to ruin whatever shred of friendship I had left with him. She didn't seem to mind. I'm going to miss her something terrible. She doesn't leave for another two days and I already ache. I had another friend betray my trust recently and treat me like garbage. Such frustrations. I don't want to forgive her. Though I know I should. Ironically, I'm happier nowadays then I was before. It may not sound like it by reading this. But I am.
hello darkness, my old friend...
People are stupid. They will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true, or because they are afraid it might be true...
- The greatest harm can result from the best intentions
- Passion rules reason
- There is magic in sincere forgiveness, the magic to heal. In forgiveness you grant, but more so, in forgiveness you receive
- Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie.
- The only sovereign you can allow to rule you is reason
- Life is the future, not the past.
- Deserve victory.
- A contradiction cannot exist in reality. Not in part, nor in whole
- Willfully turning aside from the truth is treason to one's self.
09 August, 2009
06 August, 2009
Random thoughts and insights.
I find myself awake all the time. I seriously don't think I actually sleep. I'm not sure if the sleep apnea has gotten worse. Or if I simply cant sleep for another reason. I mean I do have nightmares a lot of the time. Especially of late, with this heat. When its so hot that I wake up for most of the night and then when I actually do sleep I end up having nightmares kind of sucks hard core. But when I need to sleep I'll listen to classical music. It works the best for me.
"All around me are familiar faces...Worn out places, worn out faces. Bright and early for the daily races, Going nowhere, going nowhere...Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow...No tomorrow, no tomorrow....And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad...The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had...."
Some days I don't remember what I did or if I even did anything at all. I find it hard to remember to eat. Something that ironically I shouldn't have to focus on but I do now. I have gone a couple of days without actual food and just drank water. Which isn't good at all. But I have to remind myself to eat. I find it weird that I should have to do that. I also find it interesting that when I drive and I'm tired I can never remember how I got from point A to point B....scary thought.
Allergies suck.
Having no trust in anyone makes life very lonely.
So when a friend betrays your trust...are you to simply forgive them? Or do you give them their righteous punishment...why must I always take in everything bad that happens. Why for once can't I find someone to confide in who wont throw my friendship out the window.
Life is a storm, you will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a person is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout, "Do your worst, for I will do mine!"
Life style choices should be made for yourself, not what others impose on you or what others tell you is right. If you have any common sense, you will understand what things are important and why. You'll use that rational and make right choices. It really isn't that hard to make a good choice. When you really think about it choices where you have to choice between right and wrong aren't that at all. Its choosing between what is right and what is easy. Making the right choice isn't always the easiest but in the long run the most worthwhile.
Qualifications and competence are not the same thing.
I don't know why anyone would read these. They are random and pointless. Just thoughts that stray into my noggin when I'm typing. So when that happens I just write them down or save them for later. I find it interesting and slightly sad that I am so closed that my friends and family have to read my blog to actually get to know me. What a shame. Its not their fault that its this way. Its mine. And for the life of me I cant figure out why I am this way. Kevin says its a defense mechanism for me, so that I wont allow myself to either be hurt or lose control of my emotions. And for the most part I agree with that observation. Mainly because its true. I hate looking vulnerable, which to me would be letting my emotions show. And being hurt is never fun. I think most people have barriers up in that area of their life. Some people have gotten the impression, recently, that I'm a "cold fish". And I cant really blame them for feeling that way. I look at a situation with as much rational as I can. And that tends to offend people that I wont try to be more empathetic. Which women are mostly recognized for are their empathetic natures. Which is a pro and a con all in itself.
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.
And now that its almost 4 in the morning, I think that I am finished. And no Kristie. I wont stop writing simply because you read them and comment.
"All around me are familiar faces...Worn out places, worn out faces. Bright and early for the daily races, Going nowhere, going nowhere...Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow...No tomorrow, no tomorrow....And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad...The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had...."
Some days I don't remember what I did or if I even did anything at all. I find it hard to remember to eat. Something that ironically I shouldn't have to focus on but I do now. I have gone a couple of days without actual food and just drank water. Which isn't good at all. But I have to remind myself to eat. I find it weird that I should have to do that. I also find it interesting that when I drive and I'm tired I can never remember how I got from point A to point B....scary thought.
Allergies suck.
Having no trust in anyone makes life very lonely.
So when a friend betrays your trust...are you to simply forgive them? Or do you give them their righteous punishment...why must I always take in everything bad that happens. Why for once can't I find someone to confide in who wont throw my friendship out the window.
Life is a storm, you will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a person is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout, "Do your worst, for I will do mine!"
Life style choices should be made for yourself, not what others impose on you or what others tell you is right. If you have any common sense, you will understand what things are important and why. You'll use that rational and make right choices. It really isn't that hard to make a good choice. When you really think about it choices where you have to choice between right and wrong aren't that at all. Its choosing between what is right and what is easy. Making the right choice isn't always the easiest but in the long run the most worthwhile.
Qualifications and competence are not the same thing.
I don't know why anyone would read these. They are random and pointless. Just thoughts that stray into my noggin when I'm typing. So when that happens I just write them down or save them for later. I find it interesting and slightly sad that I am so closed that my friends and family have to read my blog to actually get to know me. What a shame. Its not their fault that its this way. Its mine. And for the life of me I cant figure out why I am this way. Kevin says its a defense mechanism for me, so that I wont allow myself to either be hurt or lose control of my emotions. And for the most part I agree with that observation. Mainly because its true. I hate looking vulnerable, which to me would be letting my emotions show. And being hurt is never fun. I think most people have barriers up in that area of their life. Some people have gotten the impression, recently, that I'm a "cold fish". And I cant really blame them for feeling that way. I look at a situation with as much rational as I can. And that tends to offend people that I wont try to be more empathetic. Which women are mostly recognized for are their empathetic natures. Which is a pro and a con all in itself.
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.
And now that its almost 4 in the morning, I think that I am finished. And no Kristie. I wont stop writing simply because you read them and comment.
04 August, 2009
whatever
So in a way. This is going to be my online journal. But I wont be sharing everything I actually think on here. Simply because I'm not stupid and if anyone in my family were to actually read this then they would know more about me then I would like. I mean everyone has their own secrets and things they would like to keep to themselves. I'm very much closed off emotionally from people. Which I have been working on since this lack of feeling actually bothers me. Ironic, no? Interesting how things in our lives pop out to suprise us. Also its interesting that we take so much for granted. Like the fact we are living. Currently it may not be much of the life you actually want but we should still be glad to be simply living it. And I find, sadly, that I don't enjoy being alive. I doubt I'd be much happier dead of course but still. Its hard to look at one's life and notice you haven't really done anything with it and to see how much pain you've caused some people. And unfortunately the only person who can change that is me. And like many others, I lack the self motivation. I guess that if I continue to work against myself I'll start going backwards instead of forward. Not that I'm trying to keep myself down in this pit, but its almost as if I got so tired of trying to climb walls made of glass that I have finally given up.
Letting go.
I miss the passion and intensity I felt about life. I don't know where it went or why it left. But for the life of me I cant find it again. Its something that I dearly miss. Having that fire and enthusiasm for the simply things and not just the really challenging things we get now and again. I once felt that if I loved someone. I mean truely loved someone, there wouldn't be anything I wouldn't do for them. I was fortunate to have loved someone. I told him everything. Everything I was thinking and feeling and it felt so nice to be able to trust someone like that. So completely. He was my best friend. More than anyone I'd ever met. I never thought I'd meet someone who I could love more then life itself. It was truly something amazing to me. I didn't think it was possible for me to find someone with interests so in tune with mine. But with all things, it ended. He broke my heart. And it was the worst feeling I'd ever had. That pain though...doesn't go away. One of the hardest things I have ever had to take in was when he said i don't love you anymore. It makes me wonder what I did wrong to diserve such agony. To know that it was my fault. It hurts so bad, even now. I ache for something, anything to reach down and say its okay. But I know its not. Nothing will ever be the same. More then anything I have ever wanted, I want his friendship. I want him to find joy. Not happiness, since that is only fleeting. But true joy. I cant imagine the heart ache I have caused him. And I know I have caused a great deal. That pain too eats away at me. Knowing that I have hurt him, it kills me. I dont hate him for breaking my heart. In fact, I don't think I could bring myself to hate him. I wanted to for a while. But I knew it was pointless to try.
I have never said this to anyone. Not like this. Fully letting it out. In a way its a relief but at the same time I am terrified of the potential of someone reading my inner most feelings. Not many people get this insight of me and its scares me. I have cried for countless days about this topic. I try to avoid it at all possible. Since I know that if I get started I'll start crying. I dislike crying, it makes my nose run and my face blotchy,but alas it is currently that way. To be honest, I miss the way he'd look at me and touch me. Like I was something wonderous and important. Something meaningful. Like I actually meant something. Instead of this dead drone of existance that I now have made for myself. I wish I wasn't so lonely. I have realized though that I cant keep all of this in like I have for the last ten months or so. I know it isn't healthy to bottle such strong emotions...but I cant let anyone in. Not that I'd want to again. I know I should seek councel. That would probably be the best thing for me. But I think that writing it out as I have will help releave the pain....we shall see.
I have never said this to anyone. Not like this. Fully letting it out. In a way its a relief but at the same time I am terrified of the potential of someone reading my inner most feelings. Not many people get this insight of me and its scares me. I have cried for countless days about this topic. I try to avoid it at all possible. Since I know that if I get started I'll start crying. I dislike crying, it makes my nose run and my face blotchy,but alas it is currently that way. To be honest, I miss the way he'd look at me and touch me. Like I was something wonderous and important. Something meaningful. Like I actually meant something. Instead of this dead drone of existance that I now have made for myself. I wish I wasn't so lonely. I have realized though that I cant keep all of this in like I have for the last ten months or so. I know it isn't healthy to bottle such strong emotions...but I cant let anyone in. Not that I'd want to again. I know I should seek councel. That would probably be the best thing for me. But I think that writing it out as I have will help releave the pain....we shall see.
03 August, 2009
Mask
I wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides my face and shades my eyes,
With torn and bleeding hearts I smile,
I wear the mask for just awhile.(no this was not written by me)
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