Letting go.

I miss the passion and intensity I felt about life. I don't know where it went or why it left. But for the life of me I cant find it again. Its something that I dearly miss. Having that fire and enthusiasm for the simply things and not just the really challenging things we get now and again. I once felt that if I loved someone. I mean truely loved someone, there wouldn't be anything I wouldn't do for them. I was fortunate to have loved someone. I told him everything. Everything I was thinking and feeling and it felt so nice to be able to trust someone like that. So completely. He was my best friend. More than anyone I'd ever met. I never thought I'd meet someone who I could love more then life itself. It was truly something amazing to me. I didn't think it was possible for me to find someone with interests so in tune with mine. But with all things, it ended. He broke my heart. And it was the worst feeling I'd ever had. That pain though...doesn't go away. One of the hardest things I have ever had to take in was when he said i don't love you anymore. It makes me wonder what I did wrong to diserve such agony. To know that it was my fault. It hurts so bad, even now. I ache for something, anything to reach down and say its okay. But I know its not. Nothing will ever be the same. More then anything I have ever wanted, I want his friendship. I want him to find joy. Not happiness, since that is only fleeting. But true joy. I cant imagine the heart ache I have caused him. And I know I have caused a great deal. That pain too eats away at me. Knowing that I have hurt him, it kills me. I dont hate him for breaking my heart. In fact, I don't think I could bring myself to hate him. I wanted to for a while. But I knew it was pointless to try.

I have never said this to anyone. Not like this. Fully letting it out. In a way its a relief but at the same time I am terrified of the potential of someone reading my inner most feelings. Not many people get this insight of me and its scares me. I have cried for countless days about this topic. I try to avoid it at all possible. Since I know that if I get started I'll start crying. I dislike crying, it makes my nose run and my face blotchy,but alas it is currently that way. To be honest, I miss the way he'd look at me and touch me. Like I was something wonderous and important. Something meaningful. Like I actually meant something. Instead of this dead drone of existance that I now have made for myself. I wish I wasn't so lonely. I have realized though that I cant keep all of this in like I have for the last ten months or so. I know it isn't healthy to bottle such strong emotions...but I cant let anyone in. Not that I'd want to again. I know I should seek councel. That would probably be the best thing for me. But I think that writing it out as I have will help releave the pain....we shall see.