whatever

So in a way. This is going to be my online journal. But I wont be sharing everything I actually think on here. Simply because I'm not stupid and if anyone in my family were to actually read this then they would know more about me then I would like. I mean everyone has their own secrets and things they would like to keep to themselves. I'm very much closed off emotionally from people. Which I have been working on since this lack of feeling actually bothers me. Ironic, no? Interesting how things in our lives pop out to suprise us. Also its interesting that we take so much for granted. Like the fact we are living. Currently it may not be much of the life you actually want but we should still be glad to be simply living it. And I find, sadly, that I don't enjoy being alive. I doubt I'd be much happier dead of course but still. Its hard to look at one's life and notice you haven't really done anything with it and to see how much pain you've caused some people. And unfortunately the only person who can change that is me. And like many others, I lack the self motivation. I guess that if I continue to work against myself I'll start going backwards instead of forward. Not that I'm trying to keep myself down in this pit, but its almost as if I got so tired of trying to climb walls made of glass that I have finally given up.