....*sighs*....

It is but a shadow and a thought that you love. I cannot give you what you seek.

MIGRAIN!

3 16oz Red Bulls....plus 3 hours of sleep.....=energy for school and dance class.....and angry migrains.....Good thing Emma is gonna make me go eat food.....since I think I'm going to crash soon.....inspite of the energy drinks I woke up this morning well rested and full of energy....

No one will save you

I dont really know why I'm writing....just one of those compulsive things I think. I think I've come to the point with certain aspects of my life where I just give up. Which for me is a hard thing to admit. Since I very rarely give up on anything. I enjoy the challenge....usually. But somethings are just obnoxious. I have had a constant head ache from trying to understand people and situations. And I'm tired of it. I've gotten to the indifferent stage of my emotions. Which in time everything goes there. I hate it when that happens. *sighs* oh well.

If you take a life
Do you know what you'll give?
Odds are you won't like What it Is.

When the storm arrives
Would you be seen with me?
By the merciless eyes I've deceived

I've seen angels fall from blinding heights
But you yourself are nothing so divine
Just next in line

Arm yourself because no one else here will save you
The odds will betray you
And I will replace you
You can't deny the prize it may never fulfill you
It longs to kill you
Are you willing to die?
The coldest blood runs through my veins
You know my name

If you come inside
Things will not be the same
When you return to my eyes

And if you think you've won
You never saw me change
The game that we have been playing

I've seen diamonds cut through harder men
Then you yourself but if you must pretend
You may meet your end


Arm yourself because no one else here will save you
The odds will betray you
And I will replace you
You can't deny the prize it may never fulfill you
It longs to kill you
Are you willing to die?
The coldest blood runs through my veins

Try to hide your hand
Forget how to feel (forget how to feel)
Life is gone
With just a spin of the wheel (spin of the wheel)


Arm yourself because no one else here will save you
The odds will betray you
And I will replace you
You can't deny the prize it may never fulfill you
It longs to kill you
Are you willing to die?
The coldest blood runs through my veins
You know my name (You Know My Name)


You Know My Name (You Know My Name)
You Know My Name
You Know My Name
You Know My Name

Nothing useful

Being emotionally withdrawn has its set backs. I close people out. I make my people concerned about me when really there is nothing to be concerned about. And even though I tell them there is nothing to worry about they worry more. Its silly really...and rather unneccassary. If I'm withdrawn then I'm usually thinking about something that is important to me. Not that it would be important to anyone else....but to me...its something that is going to occupy my thoughts. And obviously this blog. Well technically it wont take up the blogs thoughts....since the blog isn't senciant....yeah that's right I went there. And no...I'm not going to share what is on my mind. Since that would defeat the point of being withdrawn and thinking. Since if anyone else could hear my thoughts they wouldn't be personal thoughts anymore but common knowledge...I'm not sure that last sentence made any sense...But that's alright. It didn't really have to since I'm the one who understands what I am thinking about. I don't think I'll be writing a novel like I normally do when writing in this blog. Which I don't really know if that's unusual for me or not. But maybe I will...and by the looks of it I already am writing a novel. Mindless ramblings are always interesting to read later. Who knows, maybe I'll say something profound. Though I doubt that will be the case. Since I very rarely say anything useful. Which in itself is a "profound" personal observation. But seeing as I am a fairly observant person in general really isn't that shocking that I would notice something like that about myself. Yup, mindless useless garbage that just seems to float around in my cranium. How meaningful, as my aunt pointed out. "Do you have an original thought at all?" Obviously, but if she has to ask me such nonsense then she doesn't really know me very well. How boring people must think I am. Though I am not. I can be a lot of fun if I decide to be. But then again, I'm naturally a fairly "upbeat" sort of person. Or at least I'm told I am. And for the most part that is true. Unless its a day like today where I've decided to be withdrawn and actually think about things that are happening in my life. Which for the most part are a lot of things I can't control. Which I probably shouldn't think about since it'll just make me irritated that I can't change the situation. I can simply control how I react in or to the situations. Which in my head is very logical. Just look at the situation rationally and for the most part you'll be able to figure it out. But a lot of the time our emotions are so strong that they consume our thoughts. Reacting to things with only emotion is very dangerous in my mind. Because if we only react we'll end up doing or saying something that we will regret later. Not something I find appealing. Newton's law of physics :There is a reaction to every action. But how we react to something is important. Because no matter what there will be a reaction. But how we deal with that reaction of ours is what is important to remember.

Weddings....

Seems to me that all of my friends are getting married. That's pretty awesome not gonna lie...

thoughts of today.

Why is it okay for people to make someone else feel like garbage? Its not. It's rude and inconsiderate. Why does our society condone hurtfullness? It makes no sense. Our country is based on "WE THE PEOPLE", a community of many individuals as a whole unit. And yet, its a "me" attitude. There is no "i" in team...but there is a "me". Why is it okay to sacrifice others and everything they've worked for to get what you want. Why is it okay to destroy someone else's work if its in the way of what you, as an individual want? It's not. Pushing aside friends and family needs simply because you think they stand in your way, is not okay. A family is a whole. A unit. If each individual member of a family had the self centered "me" attitude all the time, nothing would ever get done. Our entire society, if everyone acted and thought that way, would be thrown into chaos. Nothing would function. Think of all the famous inventers...if they didn't share with the world everything they have discovered. We would not be as developed or as "civilized" as we are today. But yet we find ourselves in a "me, myself, and i" generation. I'm not saying that we should always put everyone else first. But we should be at least willing to. And most people aren't. It's sad. And I realize I'm like that sometimes, or most of the time. I'm always thinking about myself and you know what. I don't like it. I hope I wasn't always this way. I have been trying to improve myself in this aspect of life. I am trying to put everyone else's needs before my own. But even if I have that "me" attitude, I am always willing to help. But not everyone thinks that way. For example, in my house, I was taught to always ask if someone needs help if I'm over at their house. Usually I ask when I first get there, that way if they do need help I can help them sooner rather then later. But I had it pointed out to me that not everyone does this. And in my head, that's just weird to me. How can you not ask to help them? I mean, they let me come over, half the time they feed me, the least I can do is help them with something, or at least offer to. But apparently this mentality isn't a natural one for today's generation of people my age. Which is sad. We are here to learn and to help one another. How could I possibly ask someone for help if I myself am not willing?

Epiphany

To really be happy, I need to focus on simply living how I should. my little rebelions are pointless in the first place. They dont accomplish anything and i ususally feel worse then before. how stupid. and what a waste of time. I could be having so much fun instead of wallowing in my little world of being stupid. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of making excuses to myself....and for the most part even I realize how tiresome and annoying it is. I want to be happy...this stupid self pity and crap is just that...crap. Nobody likes a sap or a self loathing person. Who wants to be around that? I don't even want to be around people like that and half the time i am that way! What the hecks wrong with me?! wow....i'm rather ridiculous.

Feelings...

How interesting it is to realize that your own emotions are in a constant state of flux. Never ceasing or relenting. For once in my life I would love to feel….peace. Just an over whelming calm…instead of the constant ever changing roller coaster. Emotions like indecision, fear, love, rage, torment and agony….loneliness is a big one for me. I feel disconnected from my family and friends. Over analyzing the world around me…always rationalizing things. Wishing that I could just cease to feel. But I prefer the heart ache more then that numbing loneliness. That sweet beautiful oblivion....to not feel sometimes I think would be glorious, to just not care at all....but at the same time...to feel so utterly alone like that, would be unimaginable. Sometimes I find that I disregard my own thoughts and feelings and take on my friends or families problems....which is just how I am in general. I love my friends and I want them to be as happy as possible. And if that means I have to set aside my own petty problems then I willingly do. But I realize I cant always allow that...I can't always just shove my cares to the side. I understand that everyone has problems and that everyone thinks theirs are the most important. I even can accept that fact of life. Feeling lost most of the time is rather exasperating...it makes me very tired. Kind of like being angry...it's a waste of time. Really when you want to think about it. Being angry doesn't help anyone, and usually just exhausts you...Rationally none of this really is important. It doesn't change anything. I may vent or complain, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel.....well lack of feelings. I don't like this...

hahahahaha i love my friends

my friends are amazing! lol they make my days go faster at work...stinkin hilarious!