20 May, 2013

Weighty matters

You know it's been awhile since I blogged anything. But that's not too surprising. I don't usually share my thoughts/feelings about personal things but maybe I should more often. 

Now I'm a chubby girl. I may not be morbidly obese but I'm sure not thin either. And in my house growing up almost everyone is thin. And sometimes my parents can be weird about weight. Like being over weight is the worst thing I can be. And every now and again I hear a remark or comment that I need to lose weight. (Which is true losing some weight  is alway a good thing) and I know they're saying these things out of concern for my health. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings. 

People treat me differently because I'm chubby. I've been thin and I wasn't particularly happy about it. My body image issues were still there and all my other problems didn't cease to exist just because I was in shape and thin. The only thing that changed was my parents comments. Rather than saying "you don't look hungry" I would hear " you look great". What my parents saw was a healthy teenager. Well that wasn't true. I may have been swimming almost 6-7 hours a day to be in that great shape but I wasn't eating either. I would starve myself. Which is extremely unhealthy. 

But they didn't know or see that part of the deal. All they saw or maybe wanted to see was that I was "healthy and in shape". As I got out of school and gained weight again I would hear every now and again " you should join a gym". 

As a young adult it makes me wonder if they love me less because I'm not "healthy". And that's not true at all I know very well that my parents love and support me. They're wonderful parents I couldn't ask for better ones. But with this one subject they can't seem to let go. And they may not realize it but it does hurt my feelings. It's like all they see is a chubby daughter. They have a hard time seeing past that flaw to see the happy, married daughter who is doing so well in her life then she was before. 

I know who I am. Whether I'm fat or thin. And I'm mostly happy with who I am. I'm actively going to church, I'm in a successful marriage with a wonderful husband, I don't have any addictions, I'm not depressed, I'm making friends in my new ward at church. I love life and I love being alive in this era where there are so many wonderful things happening. 

And sometimes I feel all of that, is for lack of a better word, dismissed in my parents perspective. And I doubt that's actually true for them. But when all they can discuss with me is that I need to lose weight and be "healthy" it's hard for me to think differently about it. It's almost as if people think because I'm fat that it can't or doesn't hurt my feelings when they say mean things. Like all that blubber just blocks the hurt away. And that's not true at all. I may smile or laugh at some hurtful comment but I don't like people seeing how hurt it makes me feel. I'm not saying all of this for people to feel sorry for me or just so I can complain. Many people who read this may think " just lose weight dummy then no one will say anything to you about it". That could very well be true. But it just makes me think that for people to accept me or care about me then I need to be thin to accomplish that. People who are chubby have body image issues and some think "if I'm in shape all of that will go away. All of me problems will be solved" and that's not true. Their problems will still be waiting there for them. Being happy with who you are no matter what is really the goal people should have. I've known a few very in shape women and men who dislike themselves and constantly think "if I can lose just 5 more pounds then I'll be happy". If you're not happy now what makes you think you'll be happy then?