thoughts of today.

Why is it okay for people to make someone else feel like garbage? Its not. It's rude and inconsiderate. Why does our society condone hurtfullness? It makes no sense. Our country is based on "WE THE PEOPLE", a community of many individuals as a whole unit. And yet, its a "me" attitude. There is no "i" in team...but there is a "me". Why is it okay to sacrifice others and everything they've worked for to get what you want. Why is it okay to destroy someone else's work if its in the way of what you, as an individual want? It's not. Pushing aside friends and family needs simply because you think they stand in your way, is not okay. A family is a whole. A unit. If each individual member of a family had the self centered "me" attitude all the time, nothing would ever get done. Our entire society, if everyone acted and thought that way, would be thrown into chaos. Nothing would function. Think of all the famous inventers...if they didn't share with the world everything they have discovered. We would not be as developed or as "civilized" as we are today. But yet we find ourselves in a "me, myself, and i" generation. I'm not saying that we should always put everyone else first. But we should be at least willing to. And most people aren't. It's sad. And I realize I'm like that sometimes, or most of the time. I'm always thinking about myself and you know what. I don't like it. I hope I wasn't always this way. I have been trying to improve myself in this aspect of life. I am trying to put everyone else's needs before my own. But even if I have that "me" attitude, I am always willing to help. But not everyone thinks that way. For example, in my house, I was taught to always ask if someone needs help if I'm over at their house. Usually I ask when I first get there, that way if they do need help I can help them sooner rather then later. But I had it pointed out to me that not everyone does this. And in my head, that's just weird to me. How can you not ask to help them? I mean, they let me come over, half the time they feed me, the least I can do is help them with something, or at least offer to. But apparently this mentality isn't a natural one for today's generation of people my age. Which is sad. We are here to learn and to help one another. How could I possibly ask someone for help if I myself am not willing?

Epiphany

To really be happy, I need to focus on simply living how I should. my little rebelions are pointless in the first place. They dont accomplish anything and i ususally feel worse then before. how stupid. and what a waste of time. I could be having so much fun instead of wallowing in my little world of being stupid. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of making excuses to myself....and for the most part even I realize how tiresome and annoying it is. I want to be happy...this stupid self pity and crap is just that...crap. Nobody likes a sap or a self loathing person. Who wants to be around that? I don't even want to be around people like that and half the time i am that way! What the hecks wrong with me?! wow....i'm rather ridiculous.

Feelings...

How interesting it is to realize that your own emotions are in a constant state of flux. Never ceasing or relenting. For once in my life I would love to feel….peace. Just an over whelming calm…instead of the constant ever changing roller coaster. Emotions like indecision, fear, love, rage, torment and agony….loneliness is a big one for me. I feel disconnected from my family and friends. Over analyzing the world around me…always rationalizing things. Wishing that I could just cease to feel. But I prefer the heart ache more then that numbing loneliness. That sweet beautiful oblivion....to not feel sometimes I think would be glorious, to just not care at all....but at the same time...to feel so utterly alone like that, would be unimaginable. Sometimes I find that I disregard my own thoughts and feelings and take on my friends or families problems....which is just how I am in general. I love my friends and I want them to be as happy as possible. And if that means I have to set aside my own petty problems then I willingly do. But I realize I cant always allow that...I can't always just shove my cares to the side. I understand that everyone has problems and that everyone thinks theirs are the most important. I even can accept that fact of life. Feeling lost most of the time is rather exasperating...it makes me very tired. Kind of like being angry...it's a waste of time. Really when you want to think about it. Being angry doesn't help anyone, and usually just exhausts you...Rationally none of this really is important. It doesn't change anything. I may vent or complain, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel.....well lack of feelings. I don't like this...