Tenacity

I think my happiness level lasts for only short bursts of time. I did what I was asked. I even did it with enthusiasm. I lasted a day longer then I thought I would. I don't know what it is, but I seem to always sink back into that oblivion of emptiness. Unhappy though I may be, I must pretend otherwise. Seems I'm a better liar then some think. I've pretended for years. Nothing ever changes...

Ironic really...I've always been called the happy child. Surprised? Not really. I seem to always have thoughts continuously running through my mind. Just to much for me to contain. That could explain why I lose so much sleep. Or that I almost continuously have a head ache. Or the fact that my facial expressions lack the enthusiasm they once had. I seem to question everything. Wondering why....thoughts running in every direction.....jumping from one thing to the next...never ceasing....

I actually sat and dwelled on why trees grow up instead of out or to the side. Why are they reaching towards the sky...What draws the tree up? Why is its first instinct to reach up...the branches yearning towards the heavens....I suppose if it was the case of them growing out and low to the ground they would be considered a shrub instead of a tree. This is pointless...why do I even think about these things?

What is the point?

I think mainly I feel this way because I lack focus. My entire life I've had a focus on something. Mainly sports. First it was baseball. Then swimming and water polo. All my coaches making sure that the team had a focus. A goal. Baseball it was about winning. Swimming it was about personal achievement. Beating out the clock. Water polo (at least for me) was doing my personal best to help the team. Since even if we lost, we learned something. Every time it was something different that I learned. We were able to apply new tactics. A new focus. I think most of my teammates simply wanted to win and that's all they got out of it. They didn't appreciate the discipline the coaches were teaching us. Good work habits. Being the best wasn't about winning. Being the best meant that you, personally, did your best. Sometimes that's not always good enough. Practice makes perfect. That isn't a false saying. Practice does take effort but it also gives good rewards. As my coach used to say: "Swim smart, swim fast" Which meant if you use your head and intellect then you would use your best advantage. I fully appreciate what my coaches taught me. Strength. Independence. Discipline. All things I will need in life. Its more then the public school education I had could ever teach me. I gleaned more from my coaches then I did from my teachers.