05 June, 2010
And I am fine...
Some days are worse then others...yesterday and today....yeah......the loneliness rages on. We all suffer from doubts...on the outside I look fine maybe even appear happy, its a lie. I'm not happy. I'm lying to you when I say I'm okay or that nothing is wrong. I'm overwhelmed with this torrent of emotion...I don't like it. I don't want to feel...A lot of the time I used to view things with a vague disinterest...but now, I can't. Now the nightmare is real...but I wont feel...a thing. I can't allow myself to be drawn into the game. I don't like the rules...so I'm going to change them. I simply wont play. The problem with caring for people is that you get hurt too. And for what? What do I get out of it besides pain? Nothing...I get absolutely nothing. Except more pain and loneliness and even jealousy...which leads to anger. Which I usually am...I am always angry. I don't look it. But trust me...I am. I shouldn't wish I was someone else. I shouldn't want to be anyone but myself. But what if I'm not good enough? Because no matter how hard I try it never seems to be enough, for anyone, let alone myself. I don't know why I vent my thoughts on here. It's pointless. I can't adequately describe my thoughts or feelings why bother really to try and write them down. It makes no difference.
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Brenda why do you say in the last post that people aren't honest and they should just tell you, but you don't do the same thing? If you're not okay, why don't you say so? Why are you angry? If you don't want to be "yourself" than be someone else, cause guess what? You get to choose who "you" are! If you want to be a calm person, you choose that. If you want to be polite, mean, loud, angry, happy. All of those things are your choice. I love you B, you have no idea how much. Don't shut people out, because you do get more out of caring for people than just pain. I promise. :)
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