................................

Always the same....thinking all the time. never ceasing never ending. i think about things way to much. over analyzing everything. frustration creeps inter the recesses of my mind. always there never letting up.....cant stop thinking. i think of everyone else. always, what can i do to help them or what can i do to make things easier for others.....isn't that the way its supposed to be? no? am i supposed to think of things for myself too? but we are taught to serve.......always thinking.....what am i to do? uncertainty about everything.....*sighs*.....no wonder i always have head aches. i never stop thinking....i don't sleep....i cant fall asleep when i have things that are important on my mind....constantly thinking...shifting thoughts....swirling around me...i can hardly handle my own problems let alone everyone else's.....whats my problem? why cant i get a grip on my own mind...continuous never ending thoughts.....i think therefore i am...

crap

CONFUSION!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rock band

Some of the best moments ever is playing rock band with a bunch of nerds!

Hit and Run

WHERE ARE MY PANTS? oh yeah....I'm wearing them. lalalala I'm bored. Rambling is my favorite.....OUI! Je suis une muffin. Ne me mange pas!..HELLO!......Go home for a shower and a shave give the wife a little pickle tickle and I'll be on my way...Hope your not jealous...We're in the killin' Nazi business....and cousin, business is boomin'.....Le Singe!!!!...... Je vagabonde maintenant en français. ...I est ridicule. Mais d'autre part je suis stupéfiant. Je regarde tant de films et j'ai beaucoup beaucoup de citations courant continuellement par mon esprit.......KEINE SUPPE FÜR SIE!!!!!

Ich LIEBE SIE
Je VOUS AIME
אני אוהב אותך
I lásku vám
Ik HOU VAN U
Αγαπώ σας
Ninakupenda
L'AMO
Jeg ELSKER DEG
Я ЛЮБЛЮ ВАС
Volim te
ฉันรักคุณ
RAKASTAN SINÄÄ
من دوست دارم

Power is when we have every justification to kill, and we don't.

Ne Humanus Crede

Trust No Human...that's what the title of this means. Because people are full of crap. There are reasons for what I do and say. There is no logical reason for people to treat me like I'm garbage or not as good as they are because I make different choices. So people who judge are crap. I don't judge others, why should I be judged? I don't have to agree with your choices but I'm not going to treat people differently because of it. I think its horrible how cruel people can be. Especially the ones who are closest to you. Why is it that the ones who can hurt you the most are the people who are supposed to care for you despite everything. This is why I trust no one. Because I'm the one who always gets hurt or made fun of. And I'm tired of being taken for granted. My friendship and relationships with people are very important to me and when someone treats me bad it hurts twice as much. I don't feel like I should be treated like I'm worthless. It's the most frustrating thing to give everything I have in a friendship to have it thrown in my face like it isn't important. It just reinforces the fact not to trust anyone. And then people wonder why I'm unhappy or frustrated.

nonesense

What to do....what to do.........I have no idea. What am I doing here. Whats so important.....nothing. I must be crazy. I talk to myself continuously. Yup I'm nuts. Just sitting here rambling on and on about nothing whatsoever. How not interesting. I did have some excitement earlier this morning when my sister had her baby. Liam Pope was born at 2am this day. Which i'm not gonna lie, is pretty awesome...I am so excited when my sister moves here. I will get to see her more. Epic win! And now i'm tired of writting and i'm going to finish watching my movie.

surprise

.....*spontaneously combusts*......

Secrets...?

I have interesting talks with people. I like other perspectives for the most part. I like to sit and just watch and listen to people. I don't know if that's weird or not. I'm sure it is to most people. But there you go, I'm a weird girl who sits and watches everyone. But according to some people that gives me more insight....I'm not sure if that's true or not. But I've been told I'm "deep". Not sure what that in tales exactly....But for the most part I understand more then most people realize concerning feelings and understanding certain situations. It surprises them when I make an educated guess about something in their lives that I shouldn't have had knowledge of in the first place. But there you go, that's life. People knowing things about you that you wished they didn't. How original...as my friends are so often saying....that's my life story. Having people know things they didn't really need to know in the first place. I find it funny that people think that they have a right to but into others personal lives simply because they know the individuals involved. On the contrary, no one has a right to anyone else's life. Let alone their concerns and problems. Again I find it amusing. Its true that as a friend you have a rightful love and concern for another, but that doesn't give anyone the right to over step that boundary of personal space.

It doesn't matter

Loneliness sets in.







I hate it

Its Simple...

FINISH IT.

Tenacity

I think my happiness level lasts for only short bursts of time. I did what I was asked. I even did it with enthusiasm. I lasted a day longer then I thought I would. I don't know what it is, but I seem to always sink back into that oblivion of emptiness. Unhappy though I may be, I must pretend otherwise. Seems I'm a better liar then some think. I've pretended for years. Nothing ever changes...

Ironic really...I've always been called the happy child. Surprised? Not really. I seem to always have thoughts continuously running through my mind. Just to much for me to contain. That could explain why I lose so much sleep. Or that I almost continuously have a head ache. Or the fact that my facial expressions lack the enthusiasm they once had. I seem to question everything. Wondering why....thoughts running in every direction.....jumping from one thing to the next...never ceasing....

I actually sat and dwelled on why trees grow up instead of out or to the side. Why are they reaching towards the sky...What draws the tree up? Why is its first instinct to reach up...the branches yearning towards the heavens....I suppose if it was the case of them growing out and low to the ground they would be considered a shrub instead of a tree. This is pointless...why do I even think about these things?

What is the point?

I think mainly I feel this way because I lack focus. My entire life I've had a focus on something. Mainly sports. First it was baseball. Then swimming and water polo. All my coaches making sure that the team had a focus. A goal. Baseball it was about winning. Swimming it was about personal achievement. Beating out the clock. Water polo (at least for me) was doing my personal best to help the team. Since even if we lost, we learned something. Every time it was something different that I learned. We were able to apply new tactics. A new focus. I think most of my teammates simply wanted to win and that's all they got out of it. They didn't appreciate the discipline the coaches were teaching us. Good work habits. Being the best wasn't about winning. Being the best meant that you, personally, did your best. Sometimes that's not always good enough. Practice makes perfect. That isn't a false saying. Practice does take effort but it also gives good rewards. As my coach used to say: "Swim smart, swim fast" Which meant if you use your head and intellect then you would use your best advantage. I fully appreciate what my coaches taught me. Strength. Independence. Discipline. All things I will need in life. Its more then the public school education I had could ever teach me. I gleaned more from my coaches then I did from my teachers.

Bananas

the perfect driving food.

Interesting

I find that I like creepy shows. Like Dexter,Bones, CSI. I find it interesting why I like shows that deal with serial killers or dead bodies. That could be why I want to be a forensic anthropologist. I don't know if that's weird or not. Maybe its a little creepy. I still find it interesting. But I also want to become a lawyer...But I don't know which I should be. I think both would be rewarding...so maybe I'll be an Anthropologist with a minor in law.... or the other way around. Who knows. Now I'm just rambling. But I have many interests. Like art, law, forensics, anthropology in general, sports, music.....its frustrating to figure out which I should pursue...*sighs*

Das me!

<--- This is me. The one in the pink and blue tank tops. I realized that I should probably say something more about myself. I'm twenty years old. I started this blog because...well, I wanted to. I heard that blogging was fun and what not...I'm usually not into this kind of thing. But I figured I'd give it a try. Its alright. I'm not gonna lie...I'm pretty cool. I like sports. I like watching them and I like to play them.

I have 3 siblings. A brother and two sisters. All are now married. And my sisters have children. But my brother does not yet. That's alright though..I think they wanted to get themselves settled before they have kids. Which I suppose is a smart plan. I live in Washington. My brother currently lives here too. But he and his wife are moving to Idaho in a few weeks. My sisters live in Utah and Nevada currently.

And thats all I really want to write...since its 2 am and I'm finally tired! haha...I'll add more later.

Happy!

I promised that for the next three days i would remain happy no matter what. I'm not allowed to be angry about things. I have a few rules. I must tell myself positive things every morning and evening and throughout the day if I start getting annoyed. I must exercise vigorously for at least 2 hours and a couple other things like no "dead" or sad music. I think this activity will be good for me. I went and swam for an hour and a half and then played dodge ball for 2 hours. And I haven't been upset at all. So I'm going to stick to this little "activity" of positivity. :) Woot for me!

ANGER.............

*Teeth clenched, jaw muscle twitch*........I cant stand it......

Leave me be

I died
So many years ago
You can make me feel
Like it isn't so
And why you come to be with me
I think I finally know

You're scared
Ashamed of what you feel
And you can't tell the ones you love
You know they couldn't deal
And whipser in a dead man's ear
It doesn't make it real

That's great
But I don't wanna play
'Cause being with you touches me
More than I can say
And since I'm only dead to you
I'm saying stay away
And let me rest in peace

Let me rest in peace
Let me get some sleep
Let me take my love and bury it
In a hole six foot deep
I can lay my body down
But I can't find my sweet release
So let me rest in peace

You know
You got a willing slave
And you just love to play the thought
That you might misbehave
Until you do I'm telling you
Stop visiting my grave
And let me rest in peace

I know I should go
But I follow you like a man possessed
There's a traitor here beneath my breast
And it hurts me more than you've ever guessed

If my heart could beat it would break my chest

But I can see you're unimpressed
So leave me be and

Let me rest in peace

Let me get some sleep

Let me take my love and bury it
In a hole six foot deep
I can lay my body down
But I can't find my sweet release
Let me rest in peace
Why won't you let me rest in peace?

Dr. Pepper

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM..........................delicious:)

Please....

One more body amongst foundations makes little difference. Well, what are you waiting for? Do it... DO IT....

Sisters

Really I have nothing to write about today. I'm lonely and bored. But that's nothing new. so....*searches for a thought*......I miss my sisters. I wish they were here. I mean both have come up recently to Washington to visit. But it's not the same. I didn't really grow up with my sisters. At least not during my teenage years. Both were either married or living somewhere else. It would have been nice to have them here. But I cant really change that. I know they have their own lives to deal with. And I'm sure that's no picnic. But I want both of them to know I love them and miss them.

hahahaha

Not gonna lie...I thought this was hilarious....

Three men married wives from different states. The first man married a woman from Michigan .. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Alabama .. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Washington. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

blur

I am going nowhere....awesome...

I am watching the Office. Probably the best show ever. I know most people find it annoying. But uh...its amazing.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

unce unce unce......*sexy dance*

The world would be a boring silence without music.

Travelling is not for me.

Fears: clowns, spiders, failure, drowning.....(which is ironic since i'm a swimmer)

Having a boyfriend: can be bliss ( there Kristie i changed it.)

Watchmen

"Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. Its us. Only us." -Rorschach

"Why do we argue? Life's so fragile...[...]...The horror is this: in the end, it is simply a picture of empty meaningless blackness. We are alone. There is nothing else."

Something to Think About.

Poguers Journal: February 25th:

"I have wanted to die. Not just vaguely thought about it. But really wanted to end everything. Its because I'm depressed. I know this. Finally admitted it I suppose. Nothing yet. Nothing has happened. I just sink farther and farther into the oblivion of morbid thoughts. The heart ache has yet to fall away like it did the last time. Nothing. Everything hurts. The anguish is all that I seem capable to think and feel about. I did something I never thought I would. I cut. I caused myself physical pain simply because the emotional pain was to much to deal with. I couldn't see that pain. It was just there. Constantly eating away at me. It was almost as if I needed that scratch. To show me that things heal. But then I found out something. Its addictive. You wouldn't think so. Oh but it is. I cut myself at first because it hurt not to. (which makes sense to me but I doubt it does to anyone else) but then I started cutting simply to cut. You get numb to it after awhile. Like anything else you do, after you do it a bunch of times you just get used to it. It doesn't hurt anymore to do it. No one knows..."

Poguers Journal:February 27th:

"....I think he saw them when I talked to him today. I hope he didn't. My parents haven't noticed them. Which surprises me since I wear tank tops around the house. But I have been able to either hide them or talk my way out of the questions..."Neglect becomes my ally"."

Poguers Journal:March 3rd:

"....Yup. He noticed. He asked to see them. I showed him my arms. They are riddled with cuts, the entire length of both of them. Pain in his eyes...I realize then, that my actions really don't affect just me."


Now: For your information these are actual journal entrees. But just so you know. I am still depressed. I still think about death for the most part but that's kind of ebbing away. I told my parents I would like to see a therapist. Because I know all of this is rather sad and twisted. I haven't cut in a long while. At least a month or so from today's date....I long to do it. But I promised not to...so I do the lesser of two evils. I snap a rubber band on my wrist when I need to suppress strong emotions of anger or pain. I know that still isn't healthy or good but its apparently better then cutting. I try to keep my mind off of such things by keeping busy. But I am extremely depressed at the moment. I seem to keep losing friends, they are leaving. My confidante is leaving....I tell her mostly everything when I really need to think or get something out. Since the person I told most things to asked me to stop. So I went to her for advice instead of him. Which is alright I guess. I really didn't have a choice. I wasn't about to ruin whatever shred of friendship I had left with him. She didn't seem to mind. I'm going to miss her something terrible. She doesn't leave for another two days and I already ache. I had another friend betray my trust recently and treat me like garbage. Such frustrations. I don't want to forgive her. Though I know I should. Ironically, I'm happier nowadays then I was before. It may not sound like it by reading this. But I am.

hello darkness, my old friend...

People are stupid. They will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true, or because they are afraid it might be true...

• The greatest harm can result from the best intentions
• Passion rules reason
• There is magic in sincere forgiveness, the magic to heal. In forgiveness you grant, but more so, in forgiveness you receive
• Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie.
• The only sovereign you can allow to rule you is reason
• Life is the future, not the past.
• Deserve victory.
• A contradiction cannot exist in reality. Not in part, nor in whole
• Willfully turning aside from the truth is treason to one's self.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

http://uk.movies.yahoo.com/features/exclusive/

This looks pretty amazing.

Random thoughts and insights.

I find myself awake all the time. I seriously don't think I actually sleep. I'm not sure if the sleep apnea has gotten worse. Or if I simply cant sleep for another reason. I mean I do have nightmares a lot of the time. Especially of late, with this heat. When its so hot that I wake up for most of the night and then when I actually do sleep I end up having nightmares kind of sucks hard core. But when I need to sleep I'll listen to classical music. It works the best for me.

"All around me are familiar faces...Worn out places, worn out faces. Bright and early for the daily races, Going nowhere, going nowhere...Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow...No tomorrow, no tomorrow....And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad...The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had...."

Some days I don't remember what I did or if I even did anything at all. I find it hard to remember to eat. Something that ironically I shouldn't have to focus on but I do now. I have gone a couple of days without actual food and just drank water. Which isn't good at all. But I have to remind myself to eat. I find it weird that I should have to do that. I also find it interesting that when I drive and I'm tired I can never remember how I got from point A to point B....scary thought.

Allergies suck.

Having no trust in anyone makes life very lonely.

So when a friend betrays your trust...are you to simply forgive them? Or do you give them their righteous punishment...why must I always take in everything bad that happens. Why for once can't I find someone to confide in who wont throw my friendship out the window.

Life is a storm, you will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a person is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout, "Do your worst, for I will do mine!"

Life style choices should be made for yourself, not what others impose on you or what others tell you is right. If you have any common sense, you will understand what things are important and why. You'll use that rational and make right choices. It really isn't that hard to make a good choice. When you really think about it choices where you have to choice between right and wrong aren't that at all. Its choosing between what is right and what is easy. Making the right choice isn't always the easiest but in the long run the most worthwhile.

Qualifications and competence are not the same thing.

I don't know why anyone would read these. They are random and pointless. Just thoughts that stray into my noggin when I'm typing. So when that happens I just write them down or save them for later. I find it interesting and slightly sad that I am so closed that my friends and family have to read my blog to actually get to know me. What a shame. Its not their fault that its this way. Its mine. And for the life of me I cant figure out why I am this way. Kevin says its a defense mechanism for me, so that I wont allow myself to either be hurt or lose control of my emotions. And for the most part I agree with that observation. Mainly because its true. I hate looking vulnerable, which to me would be letting my emotions show. And being hurt is never fun. I think most people have barriers up in that area of their life. Some people have gotten the impression, recently, that I'm a "cold fish". And I cant really blame them for feeling that way. I look at a situation with as much rational as I can. And that tends to offend people that I wont try to be more empathetic. Which women are mostly recognized for are their empathetic natures. Which is a pro and a con all in itself.

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

And now that its almost 4 in the morning, I think that I am finished. And no Kristie. I wont stop writing simply because you read them and comment.

whatever

So in a way. This is going to be my online journal. But I wont be sharing everything I actually think on here. Simply because I'm not stupid and if anyone in my family were to actually read this then they would know more about me then I would like. I mean everyone has their own secrets and things they would like to keep to themselves. I'm very much closed off emotionally from people. Which I have been working on since this lack of feeling actually bothers me. Ironic, no? Interesting how things in our lives pop out to suprise us. Also its interesting that we take so much for granted. Like the fact we are living. Currently it may not be much of the life you actually want but we should still be glad to be simply living it. And I find, sadly, that I don't enjoy being alive. I doubt I'd be much happier dead of course but still. Its hard to look at one's life and notice you haven't really done anything with it and to see how much pain you've caused some people. And unfortunately the only person who can change that is me. And like many others, I lack the self motivation. I guess that if I continue to work against myself I'll start going backwards instead of forward. Not that I'm trying to keep myself down in this pit, but its almost as if I got so tired of trying to climb walls made of glass that I have finally given up.

Letting go.

I miss the passion and intensity I felt about life. I don't know where it went or why it left. But for the life of me I cant find it again. Its something that I dearly miss. Having that fire and enthusiasm for the simply things and not just the really challenging things we get now and again. I once felt that if I loved someone. I mean truely loved someone, there wouldn't be anything I wouldn't do for them. I was fortunate to have loved someone. I told him everything. Everything I was thinking and feeling and it felt so nice to be able to trust someone like that. So completely. He was my best friend. More than anyone I'd ever met. I never thought I'd meet someone who I could love more then life itself. It was truly something amazing to me. I didn't think it was possible for me to find someone with interests so in tune with mine. But with all things, it ended. He broke my heart. And it was the worst feeling I'd ever had. That pain though...doesn't go away. One of the hardest things I have ever had to take in was when he said i don't love you anymore. It makes me wonder what I did wrong to diserve such agony. To know that it was my fault. It hurts so bad, even now. I ache for something, anything to reach down and say its okay. But I know its not. Nothing will ever be the same. More then anything I have ever wanted, I want his friendship. I want him to find joy. Not happiness, since that is only fleeting. But true joy. I cant imagine the heart ache I have caused him. And I know I have caused a great deal. That pain too eats away at me. Knowing that I have hurt him, it kills me. I dont hate him for breaking my heart. In fact, I don't think I could bring myself to hate him. I wanted to for a while. But I knew it was pointless to try.

I have never said this to anyone. Not like this. Fully letting it out. In a way its a relief but at the same time I am terrified of the potential of someone reading my inner most feelings. Not many people get this insight of me and its scares me. I have cried for countless days about this topic. I try to avoid it at all possible. Since I know that if I get started I'll start crying. I dislike crying, it makes my nose run and my face blotchy,but alas it is currently that way. To be honest, I miss the way he'd look at me and touch me. Like I was something wonderous and important. Something meaningful. Like I actually meant something. Instead of this dead drone of existance that I now have made for myself. I wish I wasn't so lonely. I have realized though that I cant keep all of this in like I have for the last ten months or so. I know it isn't healthy to bottle such strong emotions...but I cant let anyone in. Not that I'd want to again. I know I should seek councel. That would probably be the best thing for me. But I think that writing it out as I have will help releave the pain....we shall see.

Mask

I wear the mask that grins and lies,

It hides my face and shades my eyes,

With torn and bleeding hearts I smile,

I wear the mask for just awhile.


(no this was not written by me)