Something to Think About.

Poguers Journal: February 25th:

"I have wanted to die. Not just vaguely thought about it. But really wanted to end everything. Its because I'm depressed. I know this. Finally admitted it I suppose. Nothing yet. Nothing has happened. I just sink farther and farther into the oblivion of morbid thoughts. The heart ache has yet to fall away like it did the last time. Nothing. Everything hurts. The anguish is all that I seem capable to think and feel about. I did something I never thought I would. I cut. I caused myself physical pain simply because the emotional pain was to much to deal with. I couldn't see that pain. It was just there. Constantly eating away at me. It was almost as if I needed that scratch. To show me that things heal. But then I found out something. Its addictive. You wouldn't think so. Oh but it is. I cut myself at first because it hurt not to. (which makes sense to me but I doubt it does to anyone else) but then I started cutting simply to cut. You get numb to it after awhile. Like anything else you do, after you do it a bunch of times you just get used to it. It doesn't hurt anymore to do it. No one knows..."

Poguers Journal:February 27th:

"....I think he saw them when I talked to him today. I hope he didn't. My parents haven't noticed them. Which surprises me since I wear tank tops around the house. But I have been able to either hide them or talk my way out of the questions..."Neglect becomes my ally"."

Poguers Journal:March 3rd:

"....Yup. He noticed. He asked to see them. I showed him my arms. They are riddled with cuts, the entire length of both of them. Pain in his eyes...I realize then, that my actions really don't affect just me."


Now: For your information these are actual journal entrees. But just so you know. I am still depressed. I still think about death for the most part but that's kind of ebbing away. I told my parents I would like to see a therapist. Because I know all of this is rather sad and twisted. I haven't cut in a long while. At least a month or so from today's date....I long to do it. But I promised not to...so I do the lesser of two evils. I snap a rubber band on my wrist when I need to suppress strong emotions of anger or pain. I know that still isn't healthy or good but its apparently better then cutting. I try to keep my mind off of such things by keeping busy. But I am extremely depressed at the moment. I seem to keep losing friends, they are leaving. My confidante is leaving....I tell her mostly everything when I really need to think or get something out. Since the person I told most things to asked me to stop. So I went to her for advice instead of him. Which is alright I guess. I really didn't have a choice. I wasn't about to ruin whatever shred of friendship I had left with him. She didn't seem to mind. I'm going to miss her something terrible. She doesn't leave for another two days and I already ache. I had another friend betray my trust recently and treat me like garbage. Such frustrations. I don't want to forgive her. Though I know I should. Ironically, I'm happier nowadays then I was before. It may not sound like it by reading this. But I am.