thoughts of today.

Why is it okay for people to make someone else feel like garbage? Its not. It's rude and inconsiderate. Why does our society condone hurtfullness? It makes no sense. Our country is based on "WE THE PEOPLE", a community of many individuals as a whole unit. And yet, its a "me" attitude. There is no "i" in team...but there is a "me". Why is it okay to sacrifice others and everything they've worked for to get what you want. Why is it okay to destroy someone else's work if its in the way of what you, as an individual want? It's not. Pushing aside friends and family needs simply because you think they stand in your way, is not okay. A family is a whole. A unit. If each individual member of a family had the self centered "me" attitude all the time, nothing would ever get done. Our entire society, if everyone acted and thought that way, would be thrown into chaos. Nothing would function. Think of all the famous inventers...if they didn't share with the world everything they have discovered. We would not be as developed or as "civilized" as we are today. But yet we find ourselves in a "me, myself, and i" generation. I'm not saying that we should always put everyone else first. But we should be at least willing to. And most people aren't. It's sad. And I realize I'm like that sometimes, or most of the time. I'm always thinking about myself and you know what. I don't like it. I hope I wasn't always this way. I have been trying to improve myself in this aspect of life. I am trying to put everyone else's needs before my own. But even if I have that "me" attitude, I am always willing to help. But not everyone thinks that way. For example, in my house, I was taught to always ask if someone needs help if I'm over at their house. Usually I ask when I first get there, that way if they do need help I can help them sooner rather then later. But I had it pointed out to me that not everyone does this. And in my head, that's just weird to me. How can you not ask to help them? I mean, they let me come over, half the time they feed me, the least I can do is help them with something, or at least offer to. But apparently this mentality isn't a natural one for today's generation of people my age. Which is sad. We are here to learn and to help one another. How could I possibly ask someone for help if I myself am not willing?

Epiphany

To really be happy, I need to focus on simply living how I should. my little rebelions are pointless in the first place. They dont accomplish anything and i ususally feel worse then before. how stupid. and what a waste of time. I could be having so much fun instead of wallowing in my little world of being stupid. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of making excuses to myself....and for the most part even I realize how tiresome and annoying it is. I want to be happy...this stupid self pity and crap is just that...crap. Nobody likes a sap or a self loathing person. Who wants to be around that? I don't even want to be around people like that and half the time i am that way! What the hecks wrong with me?! wow....i'm rather ridiculous.

Feelings...

How interesting it is to realize that your own emotions are in a constant state of flux. Never ceasing or relenting. For once in my life I would love to feel….peace. Just an over whelming calm…instead of the constant ever changing roller coaster. Emotions like indecision, fear, love, rage, torment and agony….loneliness is a big one for me. I feel disconnected from my family and friends. Over analyzing the world around me…always rationalizing things. Wishing that I could just cease to feel. But I prefer the heart ache more then that numbing loneliness. That sweet beautiful oblivion....to not feel sometimes I think would be glorious, to just not care at all....but at the same time...to feel so utterly alone like that, would be unimaginable. Sometimes I find that I disregard my own thoughts and feelings and take on my friends or families problems....which is just how I am in general. I love my friends and I want them to be as happy as possible. And if that means I have to set aside my own petty problems then I willingly do. But I realize I cant always allow that...I can't always just shove my cares to the side. I understand that everyone has problems and that everyone thinks theirs are the most important. I even can accept that fact of life. Feeling lost most of the time is rather exasperating...it makes me very tired. Kind of like being angry...it's a waste of time. Really when you want to think about it. Being angry doesn't help anyone, and usually just exhausts you...Rationally none of this really is important. It doesn't change anything. I may vent or complain, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel.....well lack of feelings. I don't like this...

hahahahaha i love my friends

my friends are amazing! lol they make my days go faster at work...stinkin hilarious!

The Pierces

Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of the m is dead…
Why do you smile
Like you have told a secret
Now you're telling lies
Cause you're the one to keep it
But no one keeps a secret
No one keeps a secret
Why when we do our darkest deeds
Do we tell?
They burn in our brains
Become a living hell
Cause everyone tells
Everyone tells…Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of the m is dead…Look into my eyes
Now you're getting sleepy
Are you hypnotized
By secrets that you're keeping?
I know what you're keeping
I know what you're keeping
Got a secretCan you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of the m is dead…
[spoken]Alison?Yes, Katherine.
I have something I want to tell you, but
you have to promise to never tell anyone.
I promiseDo you swear on your life?
I swear on my life[end spoken]
You swore you'd never tell…
You swore you'd never tell…
You swore you'd never tell…
You swore you'd never tell…
Got a secretCan you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of the m is dead…(chorus x 3)
Yes two can keep a secret
If one of us is…. Dead.

Romans Chapter 12 Verse 21.

I noticed that my first few blogs were semi-indepth..."deep" one would say...and that over the course of the year have gotten less so. At least to me....but the theme of my blogs I also noticed was emotional sadness...does that mean that I'm happier now-a-days? That could be a possibility......I feel that sometimes I'm more happy. I'm happy that my sisters are moving back here....well Kristie is already here but Melinda too :) But I think that I'm emotionally retarded. I really kinda am, I ignore things or let things that bother me slide and then build up....until I burst. Not something that is healthy really. I like what my friend Matt said to me the other night. I asked him if he was lonely...and he said yes but then added "what is lonely?" Life is in a constant flux of change. You may be lonely one minute but something can alter that perception or feeling the next. We are always in a world of change. Nothing ever stays the same. Except for me at least, the gospel. In an ever changing world the gospel is the one thing I've been able to cling to. I may make mistakes, I do all the time. But with things I've done or not done or may do, I know beyond a doubt that I could never stop believing the gospel. Sometimes I wonder if its a greater fear in what my family would think and do then a fear of God. Sometimes I feel I am evil. That I don't deserve forgiveness. That I have no right to ask Heavenly Father for help or anything else. But I realize that isnt how it should be. And I know I have people that love me and care about me. And want me to succeed in life. I am so grateful for them.

Forgiveness is between them and God. It's my job to arrange the meeting.

Anyone can be an artist... in anything, food, whatever. It depends on how good they are at it. My art is death. And I'm about to paint my masterpiece.

"Do not be over come with evil, but overcome evil with good." That's Romans Chapter 12 Verse 21...I am the sheep that got lost, Madre.

Revenge is a meal best served cold.

A word does not say anything, and at the same time it hides everything. Just as the wind that hides the water, like the flowers that mud hides. A glance does not say anything, and at the same time it says everything. Like rain on your face, or an old treasure map. A truth does not say anything, and at the same time it hides everything. Like a bonfire that does not go out, like a stone that is born dust. If one day you need me, I will be nothing. And at the same time I will be everything. Because in your eyes are my wings, and the shore where I drown. Because in your eyes are my wings, and the shore where I drown.

That's what everybody keeps saying. "I'm just a professional". Everybody keeps saying that to me. "I'm just a professional", "I'm just a professional". I'm getting sick and tired of hearing that.

No, that wasn't a - That was a smirk, that's not a smile. A smirk is different. They both start with "S," but they're not the same

Shoot me please....

I like this guy right. But he keeps messin with my mind.....its getting old real fast. Its weird that I would feel this strongly....since I haven't liked anyone like this since I was dumped a year ago.....so my frustration lies in the fact that I feel this way and I'm irritated at myself....I probably shouldn't like him but I do and that's just......GAH! I don't even know why I'm venting on here.....................FRUSTRATION..................men are dumb. Its true.....I watched "He's just not that into you".....and wow I felt pathetic after.....I really am just.....*sighs* pathetic.

Not that Girl

Hands touch, eyes meetSudden silence, sudden heat...Hearts leap in a giddy whirl...He could be that boy...But I'm not that girl...Don't dream too far Don't lose sight of who you are...Don't remember that rush of joy...He could be that boyI'm not that girl...Ev'ry so often we long to steal....To the land of what-might-have-been...But that doesn't soften the ache we feel When reality sets back in.... Blithe smile, lithe limb ....She who's winsome, she wins him...Gold hair with a gentle curl..That's the girl he chose ...And heaven knows, I'm not that girl...Don't wish, don't start...Wishing only wounds the heart I wasn't born for the rose and pearl There's a girl I know...He loves her so...I'm not that girl...

chillin

at matt's house. he's ridiculous........

hahaha

I wasn't saying that you guys had no say. I was merely explaining why I said them. I don't care about the comments I just think its funny that we are having an argument on who in the family is the prettiest. :P absolutely ridiculous. Since we are all daughters of God...we are all pretty in our own right...but in the family...you two are the prettiest. BAM!

Secretary

Being a secretary is rather nice. I get to visit with random people, type all day and use my creative talents to think up ways of how to get out of the room. Ironic really. I do enjoy my job though. And since its at the college I get to see friends that I wouldn't normally talk to or see....and I'm making friends with the tutors here also! Its a lot of good fun. And I rather sit on my butt "working" then sit on my butt at home not doing anything at all :P But that's how it goes.
Lets see.....some things that are new in my life......I have a job...I'm pleasantly content at the moment with life. I may be irritated all the time but at least I'm not seething with rage. My typing abilities are much faster now that I have been typing for a few days straight. I get to design things to go up in the room I'm working in. It'll be a lot of fun! And my boss is pretty awesome not gonna lie. And Edrease is hilarious to work with. (He's best friends with my cousins). I'm very grateful that I got this job. It pays well and its only part time, which allows me to work but then have most of the day to do things.

geez

Dispite what my sisters may think...I am not the prettiest in the family. And two, I said it was an insecurity. I might feel that way. Its a possibility. Doesn't make it true or whatever, but still you need to relax a bit. This is kinda like my online diary. I am merely venting on how I feel at the moment. So please don't take what I say on here personally. Especially since its my feelings on the matters that I'm typing about. They may have no basis or facts. Simply feelings or impressions.

tired

I really kinda hate life....not always...sometimes life is good but for the most part its kinda sucky...what a sad realization. It seems I need to change that aspect of myself. I need to stop lookin at everything as if it was horrible...I used to have such a bright outlook on life. I was excited for the future and what it had for me. What changed? why is it different now? Why did I let my pain wrap around me like a sodden blanket that wont let go? Interesting....Why wont I let it go...what's wrong with me? Is it my deep insecurities....I'm not as beautiful as the rest of my family, I'll never look like that, can't anyone love me who doesn't have to?.......No one can know me....not the real me....I put up a barrier every time. One or two people actually know how I am...only one has actually accepted me. I don't know if I can take it anymore. Always pushing people away...

cramps suck

yes they really do

sad thoughts

I guess I thought you'd be here forever...Another illusion I chose to create. You don't know what you got until it's gone.... And I found out just a little too late. Now being without you....takes a lot of getting used to...I should learn to live with it...but I don't want to! Living without you...is all a big mistake. Instead of getting easier...It's the hardest thing to take.............

deep thoughts?

Turning, twisting, writhing against invisible restraints....longing to be released....raging in silence. wanting to scream...lips sealed shut...jaws clenched...muscles rigid with tension.....this would be the monster in me...waiting.......insanity looming....magnificence is waiting to be revealed...but hides away in the deep recesses of my mind....aching to come to the surface....resistance built up....

Rationally none of this is real. But feelings are rarely rational.

running around the kitchen

I LOVE ENERGY DRINKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ludicrous

I wish I could express myself in a way befitting how I actually view things. I mean....its irksome to realize that I think and speak contrary to what is normal in todays world. I use words that most people don't use or even know existed. Its rather pathetic. Our education levels are decreasing. Its such a waste...Intelligence is a value that the world seems to have undermined until recently. I wonder why that change. I wonder if humanity is tired of being imbecils.

Clue.....

Ms. Scarlet: Do you miss him?
Mrs. White:...well, its really a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead I have a life.

Colonel Mustard: How many husbands have you had?
Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?
Colonel Mustard: Yours.
Mrs. White: Five.
Colonel Mustard: Five?
Mrs. White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft strong and disposable.
Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Colonel Mustard: Right!

Mrs. White: That's right, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her... SO MUCH... it was flaming, flames, FLAMES... on the side of my face... heaving breaths, heaving...

Delicious

Oreos and milk....best things ever.

what

Who am I? I think everyone askes themselves this question.

I think....

That I have a problem.....i can't seem to let things go...mainly people and feelings. I know that I should...I mean the way some people have treated me, even I don't know why I am still friends with them. I make no sense....am I afraid of losing people in the worry that I wont have any friends....? Or is it that I'm so committed to my friendships that I simple wont allow myself to drop them....Interesting enough that my friends are the most important people to me. Since to me...my friends are family. not really family family but you know what I mean. Or could it be that I wont let go because I don't want to me lonely. Am I that insecure with myself....or am I one of those people who take bad treatment and go with it...feeling that it cant be just me that they treat this way.... I'm not sure what I did to be treated badly by some people....but you know....whatev....

WABAAM

This is how I feel.....

muh nur

i hate that i'm not working...for serious its gay.....i'm so tired of lack of working.....frustration...

Boredom......

What to do, what to do, what to do?..........I have yet to come up with a solution to this question.....fascinating..........

Suck it

People have yet to prove to me that they are worth my time. Some people are alright but no....in general....I hate humanity.

Urbandictionary.com...

1. Melinda:
a really nice person who is sweet and tries to get along with everyone.

2. Kristie:
A girl who is gorgeous, and a total sweetheart. She's got everything a guy could ask for.

3. Brenda:
Amazingly hilarious, very friendly, smart and retarded (in a good way)
Loves 60's - 80's music and hardcore or metal.
and actually thinks loud burps and games are cool, can beat you at guitar hero.


This is me and I win!
just so you know...this website can become very dirty. Look at your own risk.

whatev

You think I'd be happy about that previous post....but ironically I'm not really......we'll shall see if it changes..........

interestin...

why does it always seem that when I least expect it....guys....show an interest in me when I least want it....*sighs* what the crap.

Screw this

If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
cause Ive been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands
If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her
If I trust in you oh please
Dont run and hide
If I love you too oh please
Dont hurt my pride like her
cause I couldnt stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain
So I hope you see that i
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
If I fell in love with you

This is how irrational my feelings are. I hear this song and I think...oh I've been there. I was in love once before...well forget it. Because all in all its just going to blow up in your face over and over again. Forget love, forget caring about anyone else who doesn't deserve you...cause it sucks to settle...why should I? Oh yeah...because no one else is interested! Thats what we girls end up doing....we realize that no one is interested in us and then we leap for the chance when the first guy who is even remotely interested and then we make a fool of ourselves...either that...we end up clinging and basically stalking the guys we were once with because they are the only ones who liked us to begin with! I'm tired of being made the fool in all these situations. Is it worth the heart ache? NO...not really. Sure we learn from it or we benifit from the experience....Bull.....I have never benefitted from being dumped by a person I loved. In the end it just messed me up emotionally. Made me paranoid and insecure. Why am I the only one that gets hurt and messed up for it. If you look at the guy they just don't care...at all. Maybe that's what I'm really frustrated about...is that the men dump me and then a month later have someone new. Or they just stop talking to you all together though they made promises of always staying friends and whatnot. Bull crap. No guy really wants to be friends with an ex. Yet here I am...friends with all of mine. People think its weird. But things like this apparently I just don't understand why its unusual. I like being able to hang out with someone who know's me...i mean really know's who I am....and of course the guys who know me best are the one's I dated. But at the same time they just don't care. I'm rambling now. whatever no one is going to read this. So why do I bother writing.....

................................

Always the same....thinking all the time. never ceasing never ending. i think about things way to much. over analyzing everything. frustration creeps inter the recesses of my mind. always there never letting up.....cant stop thinking. i think of everyone else. always, what can i do to help them or what can i do to make things easier for others.....isn't that the way its supposed to be? no? am i supposed to think of things for myself too? but we are taught to serve.......always thinking.....what am i to do? uncertainty about everything.....*sighs*.....no wonder i always have head aches. i never stop thinking....i don't sleep....i cant fall asleep when i have things that are important on my mind....constantly thinking...shifting thoughts....swirling around me...i can hardly handle my own problems let alone everyone else's.....whats my problem? why cant i get a grip on my own mind...continuous never ending thoughts.....i think therefore i am...

crap

CONFUSION!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rock band

Some of the best moments ever is playing rock band with a bunch of nerds!

Hit and Run

WHERE ARE MY PANTS? oh yeah....I'm wearing them. lalalala I'm bored. Rambling is my favorite.....OUI! Je suis une muffin. Ne me mange pas!..HELLO!......Go home for a shower and a shave give the wife a little pickle tickle and I'll be on my way...Hope your not jealous...We're in the killin' Nazi business....and cousin, business is boomin'.....Le Singe!!!!...... Je vagabonde maintenant en français. ...I est ridicule. Mais d'autre part je suis stupéfiant. Je regarde tant de films et j'ai beaucoup beaucoup de citations courant continuellement par mon esprit.......KEINE SUPPE FÜR SIE!!!!!

Ich LIEBE SIE
Je VOUS AIME
אני אוהב אותך
I lásku vám
Ik HOU VAN U
Αγαπώ σας
Ninakupenda
L'AMO
Jeg ELSKER DEG
Я ЛЮБЛЮ ВАС
Volim te
ฉันรักคุณ
RAKASTAN SINÄÄ
من دوست دارم

Power is when we have every justification to kill, and we don't.

Ne Humanus Crede

Trust No Human...that's what the title of this means. Because people are full of crap. There are reasons for what I do and say. There is no logical reason for people to treat me like I'm garbage or not as good as they are because I make different choices. So people who judge are crap. I don't judge others, why should I be judged? I don't have to agree with your choices but I'm not going to treat people differently because of it. I think its horrible how cruel people can be. Especially the ones who are closest to you. Why is it that the ones who can hurt you the most are the people who are supposed to care for you despite everything. This is why I trust no one. Because I'm the one who always gets hurt or made fun of. And I'm tired of being taken for granted. My friendship and relationships with people are very important to me and when someone treats me bad it hurts twice as much. I don't feel like I should be treated like I'm worthless. It's the most frustrating thing to give everything I have in a friendship to have it thrown in my face like it isn't important. It just reinforces the fact not to trust anyone. And then people wonder why I'm unhappy or frustrated.

nonesense

What to do....what to do.........I have no idea. What am I doing here. Whats so important.....nothing. I must be crazy. I talk to myself continuously. Yup I'm nuts. Just sitting here rambling on and on about nothing whatsoever. How not interesting. I did have some excitement earlier this morning when my sister had her baby. Liam Pope was born at 2am this day. Which i'm not gonna lie, is pretty awesome...I am so excited when my sister moves here. I will get to see her more. Epic win! And now i'm tired of writting and i'm going to finish watching my movie.

surprise

.....*spontaneously combusts*......

Secrets...?

I have interesting talks with people. I like other perspectives for the most part. I like to sit and just watch and listen to people. I don't know if that's weird or not. I'm sure it is to most people. But there you go, I'm a weird girl who sits and watches everyone. But according to some people that gives me more insight....I'm not sure if that's true or not. But I've been told I'm "deep". Not sure what that in tales exactly....But for the most part I understand more then most people realize concerning feelings and understanding certain situations. It surprises them when I make an educated guess about something in their lives that I shouldn't have had knowledge of in the first place. But there you go, that's life. People knowing things about you that you wished they didn't. How original...as my friends are so often saying....that's my life story. Having people know things they didn't really need to know in the first place. I find it funny that people think that they have a right to but into others personal lives simply because they know the individuals involved. On the contrary, no one has a right to anyone else's life. Let alone their concerns and problems. Again I find it amusing. Its true that as a friend you have a rightful love and concern for another, but that doesn't give anyone the right to over step that boundary of personal space.

It doesn't matter

Loneliness sets in.







I hate it

Its Simple...

FINISH IT.

Tenacity

I think my happiness level lasts for only short bursts of time. I did what I was asked. I even did it with enthusiasm. I lasted a day longer then I thought I would. I don't know what it is, but I seem to always sink back into that oblivion of emptiness. Unhappy though I may be, I must pretend otherwise. Seems I'm a better liar then some think. I've pretended for years. Nothing ever changes...

Ironic really...I've always been called the happy child. Surprised? Not really. I seem to always have thoughts continuously running through my mind. Just to much for me to contain. That could explain why I lose so much sleep. Or that I almost continuously have a head ache. Or the fact that my facial expressions lack the enthusiasm they once had. I seem to question everything. Wondering why....thoughts running in every direction.....jumping from one thing to the next...never ceasing....

I actually sat and dwelled on why trees grow up instead of out or to the side. Why are they reaching towards the sky...What draws the tree up? Why is its first instinct to reach up...the branches yearning towards the heavens....I suppose if it was the case of them growing out and low to the ground they would be considered a shrub instead of a tree. This is pointless...why do I even think about these things?

What is the point?

I think mainly I feel this way because I lack focus. My entire life I've had a focus on something. Mainly sports. First it was baseball. Then swimming and water polo. All my coaches making sure that the team had a focus. A goal. Baseball it was about winning. Swimming it was about personal achievement. Beating out the clock. Water polo (at least for me) was doing my personal best to help the team. Since even if we lost, we learned something. Every time it was something different that I learned. We were able to apply new tactics. A new focus. I think most of my teammates simply wanted to win and that's all they got out of it. They didn't appreciate the discipline the coaches were teaching us. Good work habits. Being the best wasn't about winning. Being the best meant that you, personally, did your best. Sometimes that's not always good enough. Practice makes perfect. That isn't a false saying. Practice does take effort but it also gives good rewards. As my coach used to say: "Swim smart, swim fast" Which meant if you use your head and intellect then you would use your best advantage. I fully appreciate what my coaches taught me. Strength. Independence. Discipline. All things I will need in life. Its more then the public school education I had could ever teach me. I gleaned more from my coaches then I did from my teachers.

Bananas

the perfect driving food.

Interesting

I find that I like creepy shows. Like Dexter,Bones, CSI. I find it interesting why I like shows that deal with serial killers or dead bodies. That could be why I want to be a forensic anthropologist. I don't know if that's weird or not. Maybe its a little creepy. I still find it interesting. But I also want to become a lawyer...But I don't know which I should be. I think both would be rewarding...so maybe I'll be an Anthropologist with a minor in law.... or the other way around. Who knows. Now I'm just rambling. But I have many interests. Like art, law, forensics, anthropology in general, sports, music.....its frustrating to figure out which I should pursue...*sighs*

Das me!

<--- This is me. The one in the pink and blue tank tops. I realized that I should probably say something more about myself. I'm twenty years old. I started this blog because...well, I wanted to. I heard that blogging was fun and what not...I'm usually not into this kind of thing. But I figured I'd give it a try. Its alright. I'm not gonna lie...I'm pretty cool. I like sports. I like watching them and I like to play them.

I have 3 siblings. A brother and two sisters. All are now married. And my sisters have children. But my brother does not yet. That's alright though..I think they wanted to get themselves settled before they have kids. Which I suppose is a smart plan. I live in Washington. My brother currently lives here too. But he and his wife are moving to Idaho in a few weeks. My sisters live in Utah and Nevada currently.

And thats all I really want to write...since its 2 am and I'm finally tired! haha...I'll add more later.

Happy!

I promised that for the next three days i would remain happy no matter what. I'm not allowed to be angry about things. I have a few rules. I must tell myself positive things every morning and evening and throughout the day if I start getting annoyed. I must exercise vigorously for at least 2 hours and a couple other things like no "dead" or sad music. I think this activity will be good for me. I went and swam for an hour and a half and then played dodge ball for 2 hours. And I haven't been upset at all. So I'm going to stick to this little "activity" of positivity. :) Woot for me!

ANGER.............

*Teeth clenched, jaw muscle twitch*........I cant stand it......

Leave me be

I died
So many years ago
You can make me feel
Like it isn't so
And why you come to be with me
I think I finally know

You're scared
Ashamed of what you feel
And you can't tell the ones you love
You know they couldn't deal
And whipser in a dead man's ear
It doesn't make it real

That's great
But I don't wanna play
'Cause being with you touches me
More than I can say
And since I'm only dead to you
I'm saying stay away
And let me rest in peace

Let me rest in peace
Let me get some sleep
Let me take my love and bury it
In a hole six foot deep
I can lay my body down
But I can't find my sweet release
So let me rest in peace

You know
You got a willing slave
And you just love to play the thought
That you might misbehave
Until you do I'm telling you
Stop visiting my grave
And let me rest in peace

I know I should go
But I follow you like a man possessed
There's a traitor here beneath my breast
And it hurts me more than you've ever guessed

If my heart could beat it would break my chest

But I can see you're unimpressed
So leave me be and

Let me rest in peace

Let me get some sleep

Let me take my love and bury it
In a hole six foot deep
I can lay my body down
But I can't find my sweet release
Let me rest in peace
Why won't you let me rest in peace?

Dr. Pepper

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM..........................delicious:)

Please....

One more body amongst foundations makes little difference. Well, what are you waiting for? Do it... DO IT....

Sisters

Really I have nothing to write about today. I'm lonely and bored. But that's nothing new. so....*searches for a thought*......I miss my sisters. I wish they were here. I mean both have come up recently to Washington to visit. But it's not the same. I didn't really grow up with my sisters. At least not during my teenage years. Both were either married or living somewhere else. It would have been nice to have them here. But I cant really change that. I know they have their own lives to deal with. And I'm sure that's no picnic. But I want both of them to know I love them and miss them.

hahahaha

Not gonna lie...I thought this was hilarious....

Three men married wives from different states. The first man married a woman from Michigan .. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Alabama .. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Washington. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

blur

I am going nowhere....awesome...

I am watching the Office. Probably the best show ever. I know most people find it annoying. But uh...its amazing.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

unce unce unce......*sexy dance*

The world would be a boring silence without music.

Travelling is not for me.

Fears: clowns, spiders, failure, drowning.....(which is ironic since i'm a swimmer)

Having a boyfriend: can be bliss ( there Kristie i changed it.)

Watchmen

"Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. Its us. Only us." -Rorschach

"Why do we argue? Life's so fragile...[...]...The horror is this: in the end, it is simply a picture of empty meaningless blackness. We are alone. There is nothing else."

Something to Think About.

Poguers Journal: February 25th:

"I have wanted to die. Not just vaguely thought about it. But really wanted to end everything. Its because I'm depressed. I know this. Finally admitted it I suppose. Nothing yet. Nothing has happened. I just sink farther and farther into the oblivion of morbid thoughts. The heart ache has yet to fall away like it did the last time. Nothing. Everything hurts. The anguish is all that I seem capable to think and feel about. I did something I never thought I would. I cut. I caused myself physical pain simply because the emotional pain was to much to deal with. I couldn't see that pain. It was just there. Constantly eating away at me. It was almost as if I needed that scratch. To show me that things heal. But then I found out something. Its addictive. You wouldn't think so. Oh but it is. I cut myself at first because it hurt not to. (which makes sense to me but I doubt it does to anyone else) but then I started cutting simply to cut. You get numb to it after awhile. Like anything else you do, after you do it a bunch of times you just get used to it. It doesn't hurt anymore to do it. No one knows..."

Poguers Journal:February 27th:

"....I think he saw them when I talked to him today. I hope he didn't. My parents haven't noticed them. Which surprises me since I wear tank tops around the house. But I have been able to either hide them or talk my way out of the questions..."Neglect becomes my ally"."

Poguers Journal:March 3rd:

"....Yup. He noticed. He asked to see them. I showed him my arms. They are riddled with cuts, the entire length of both of them. Pain in his eyes...I realize then, that my actions really don't affect just me."


Now: For your information these are actual journal entrees. But just so you know. I am still depressed. I still think about death for the most part but that's kind of ebbing away. I told my parents I would like to see a therapist. Because I know all of this is rather sad and twisted. I haven't cut in a long while. At least a month or so from today's date....I long to do it. But I promised not to...so I do the lesser of two evils. I snap a rubber band on my wrist when I need to suppress strong emotions of anger or pain. I know that still isn't healthy or good but its apparently better then cutting. I try to keep my mind off of such things by keeping busy. But I am extremely depressed at the moment. I seem to keep losing friends, they are leaving. My confidante is leaving....I tell her mostly everything when I really need to think or get something out. Since the person I told most things to asked me to stop. So I went to her for advice instead of him. Which is alright I guess. I really didn't have a choice. I wasn't about to ruin whatever shred of friendship I had left with him. She didn't seem to mind. I'm going to miss her something terrible. She doesn't leave for another two days and I already ache. I had another friend betray my trust recently and treat me like garbage. Such frustrations. I don't want to forgive her. Though I know I should. Ironically, I'm happier nowadays then I was before. It may not sound like it by reading this. But I am.

hello darkness, my old friend...

People are stupid. They will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true, or because they are afraid it might be true...

• The greatest harm can result from the best intentions
• Passion rules reason
• There is magic in sincere forgiveness, the magic to heal. In forgiveness you grant, but more so, in forgiveness you receive
• Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie.
• The only sovereign you can allow to rule you is reason
• Life is the future, not the past.
• Deserve victory.
• A contradiction cannot exist in reality. Not in part, nor in whole
• Willfully turning aside from the truth is treason to one's self.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

http://uk.movies.yahoo.com/features/exclusive/

This looks pretty amazing.

Random thoughts and insights.

I find myself awake all the time. I seriously don't think I actually sleep. I'm not sure if the sleep apnea has gotten worse. Or if I simply cant sleep for another reason. I mean I do have nightmares a lot of the time. Especially of late, with this heat. When its so hot that I wake up for most of the night and then when I actually do sleep I end up having nightmares kind of sucks hard core. But when I need to sleep I'll listen to classical music. It works the best for me.

"All around me are familiar faces...Worn out places, worn out faces. Bright and early for the daily races, Going nowhere, going nowhere...Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow...No tomorrow, no tomorrow....And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad...The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had...."

Some days I don't remember what I did or if I even did anything at all. I find it hard to remember to eat. Something that ironically I shouldn't have to focus on but I do now. I have gone a couple of days without actual food and just drank water. Which isn't good at all. But I have to remind myself to eat. I find it weird that I should have to do that. I also find it interesting that when I drive and I'm tired I can never remember how I got from point A to point B....scary thought.

Allergies suck.

Having no trust in anyone makes life very lonely.

So when a friend betrays your trust...are you to simply forgive them? Or do you give them their righteous punishment...why must I always take in everything bad that happens. Why for once can't I find someone to confide in who wont throw my friendship out the window.

Life is a storm, you will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a person is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout, "Do your worst, for I will do mine!"

Life style choices should be made for yourself, not what others impose on you or what others tell you is right. If you have any common sense, you will understand what things are important and why. You'll use that rational and make right choices. It really isn't that hard to make a good choice. When you really think about it choices where you have to choice between right and wrong aren't that at all. Its choosing between what is right and what is easy. Making the right choice isn't always the easiest but in the long run the most worthwhile.

Qualifications and competence are not the same thing.

I don't know why anyone would read these. They are random and pointless. Just thoughts that stray into my noggin when I'm typing. So when that happens I just write them down or save them for later. I find it interesting and slightly sad that I am so closed that my friends and family have to read my blog to actually get to know me. What a shame. Its not their fault that its this way. Its mine. And for the life of me I cant figure out why I am this way. Kevin says its a defense mechanism for me, so that I wont allow myself to either be hurt or lose control of my emotions. And for the most part I agree with that observation. Mainly because its true. I hate looking vulnerable, which to me would be letting my emotions show. And being hurt is never fun. I think most people have barriers up in that area of their life. Some people have gotten the impression, recently, that I'm a "cold fish". And I cant really blame them for feeling that way. I look at a situation with as much rational as I can. And that tends to offend people that I wont try to be more empathetic. Which women are mostly recognized for are their empathetic natures. Which is a pro and a con all in itself.

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

And now that its almost 4 in the morning, I think that I am finished. And no Kristie. I wont stop writing simply because you read them and comment.

whatever

So in a way. This is going to be my online journal. But I wont be sharing everything I actually think on here. Simply because I'm not stupid and if anyone in my family were to actually read this then they would know more about me then I would like. I mean everyone has their own secrets and things they would like to keep to themselves. I'm very much closed off emotionally from people. Which I have been working on since this lack of feeling actually bothers me. Ironic, no? Interesting how things in our lives pop out to suprise us. Also its interesting that we take so much for granted. Like the fact we are living. Currently it may not be much of the life you actually want but we should still be glad to be simply living it. And I find, sadly, that I don't enjoy being alive. I doubt I'd be much happier dead of course but still. Its hard to look at one's life and notice you haven't really done anything with it and to see how much pain you've caused some people. And unfortunately the only person who can change that is me. And like many others, I lack the self motivation. I guess that if I continue to work against myself I'll start going backwards instead of forward. Not that I'm trying to keep myself down in this pit, but its almost as if I got so tired of trying to climb walls made of glass that I have finally given up.

Letting go.

I miss the passion and intensity I felt about life. I don't know where it went or why it left. But for the life of me I cant find it again. Its something that I dearly miss. Having that fire and enthusiasm for the simply things and not just the really challenging things we get now and again. I once felt that if I loved someone. I mean truely loved someone, there wouldn't be anything I wouldn't do for them. I was fortunate to have loved someone. I told him everything. Everything I was thinking and feeling and it felt so nice to be able to trust someone like that. So completely. He was my best friend. More than anyone I'd ever met. I never thought I'd meet someone who I could love more then life itself. It was truly something amazing to me. I didn't think it was possible for me to find someone with interests so in tune with mine. But with all things, it ended. He broke my heart. And it was the worst feeling I'd ever had. That pain though...doesn't go away. One of the hardest things I have ever had to take in was when he said i don't love you anymore. It makes me wonder what I did wrong to diserve such agony. To know that it was my fault. It hurts so bad, even now. I ache for something, anything to reach down and say its okay. But I know its not. Nothing will ever be the same. More then anything I have ever wanted, I want his friendship. I want him to find joy. Not happiness, since that is only fleeting. But true joy. I cant imagine the heart ache I have caused him. And I know I have caused a great deal. That pain too eats away at me. Knowing that I have hurt him, it kills me. I dont hate him for breaking my heart. In fact, I don't think I could bring myself to hate him. I wanted to for a while. But I knew it was pointless to try.

I have never said this to anyone. Not like this. Fully letting it out. In a way its a relief but at the same time I am terrified of the potential of someone reading my inner most feelings. Not many people get this insight of me and its scares me. I have cried for countless days about this topic. I try to avoid it at all possible. Since I know that if I get started I'll start crying. I dislike crying, it makes my nose run and my face blotchy,but alas it is currently that way. To be honest, I miss the way he'd look at me and touch me. Like I was something wonderous and important. Something meaningful. Like I actually meant something. Instead of this dead drone of existance that I now have made for myself. I wish I wasn't so lonely. I have realized though that I cant keep all of this in like I have for the last ten months or so. I know it isn't healthy to bottle such strong emotions...but I cant let anyone in. Not that I'd want to again. I know I should seek councel. That would probably be the best thing for me. But I think that writing it out as I have will help releave the pain....we shall see.

Mask

I wear the mask that grins and lies,

It hides my face and shades my eyes,

With torn and bleeding hearts I smile,

I wear the mask for just awhile.


(no this was not written by me)

No one will read this anyway...

I never thought something like this could become addicting. But it is. Just to sit here and allow myself to ramble on. Its nice in a way. I mean I do have things to say and crap that is always flowing through my mind. Not that I ever say any of my thoughts to anyone. Most likely A: no one cares or B: it really just doesn't matter in the first place and I only think it does because some random thing in our culture or society wants me to think its important. That's the problem with society. Everyone seems to think its something great when really it isn't. Our entire way of life depends on what culture or society thinks is appropriate. How are we to know if what our society or culture thinks is actually correct? There are so many different aspects to everything there is never just a single answer. So how are we to live in a world where white is black and black is white and then there is so many shades of gray that no one can figure out what is. I don't know if this bothers anyone else but it sure as heck makes my head ache...There are so many questions left unanswered...must we always take things without knowing anything about it? Am I not supposed to think for myself without the inhabitions of others controlling every little thing that goes on! What is really at stake if I allow myself to just float on the current of this mad world? Am I to just simply stand by and watch as everyone else actually does something meaningful with their lives? Never to really experience anything, only to read about it and allow my imagination to take over...how boring and pointless this entire blog is. I love how its really not things I care about. Since the things that are truely worth caring about I simply wouldn't be able to discribe. Like friends, family, freedom, truth, justice, etc... this is so pointless.....why do I bother? Nothing is real.

BLARG!

Alright I've never blogged before. but I know people who do and say they enjoy it. so I figured I'd give it a shot... But this heat....isn't enticing to be out in....gods cursed its too hot! 101 today...and for the next four it is supposed to be the same. I love the sun don't get my wrong but holy crap! This is a bit much...I am officially greatful to my father for moving away from California to Washington. Because it would be like this all the time and not just in the summer. I cant wait for winter.

Mindless nonsense

I give into the raging torment of emptiness. Pain is all that can reach that desolate wasteland. And yet I welcome the pain, the hurt, the only thing that I can feel. All else indifferently waites for me to wake up and get over my sarrows. Deep breath...take the plunge...let someone in enough to help. Impossible......