yup.........

pretty sure i am addicted to 80's rock music.......well good 80's rock. I kinda wish I had 80's rocker hair....it would be epic.

As Usual

Well as usual my life is......complicated. Oh so very complicated. Some thing's i will admit are very simple but alas...it never seems to stay that way. Especially dealing with humans and their emotions. How I despise telling people, who are my friends, something I'd rather not tell them. Because mainly I don't want to hurt their feelings and cause a rift. Now you can say "well you don't know how they will respond"...sorry to say but I do have a good idea. If they are my friend, I know fairly well how they will react to certain things, depending on the severity of whatever I am wont to tell them. It's nothing to worry about, oh sisters who read my blog, just a dilemma I have been putting off. Mainly because I care a lot about the person I have to talk to and I know it'll hurt their feelings. *shrugs* I know I'm not doing them any favors by putting it off but......yeah, put it off I will.

super....not

Have you ever wanted to be a superhero? Or at least have super powers? Personally, I have. I've had people ask me "if you could have any super power what would it be and why?" Now to be honest, this is a very difficult question to answer. Seriously...it is. Well does everyone in this alternate universe have an ability? Or is it only a select few in the population like the x-men or the show "heroes"? Because if it is only a select few that have a "sixth sense" or ability then i would want an ability that would allow me to absorb theirs but not take it away from them (if that makes sense) if i come into contact with them then I would have that ability as well, on top of the the ones I've already absorbed. Because like wolverines ability were you don't age and cant really die, I think that would be tiring. I mean how sad and lonely life would be if I had to continually watch all those I loved age and die. It would be like I'm a vampire (minus the blood sucking). I think I would become severely bored if I had to live forever by myself.

Wise advice.

There is more to life, then increasing its speed.

oh black friday....

So I stayed up till midnight to shop at walmart for black Friday. WOW. I have never seen so many stinking people at walmart all at once. And I got there at 11pm so that I could grab the movies I wanted early and thank goodness I did because holy crap there was a large amount of people there. I told megan (my accomplice) that it would be a perfect opportunity to take photos for peopleofwalmart.com....because there was a lot of weirdly dressed folks there! Anyway, I still didn't get the one thing I wanted but I did get a lot of things I didn't realize I did want. If that made sense. Well I'm exhausted now. Surprisingly enough I arrived at walmart at 11pm and left at exactly 1pm. So all in all, I'm impressed at my own agility of maneuvering through the crowded walmart.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is supposed to be about family coming together and thinking about how blessed we are and what we're thankful for. But does it ever happen that way? Sometimes. (I'm not a complete cynic). But a majority of people, I think, lose focus on what it's really about. Its not just about the great food we have only once a year. Or about gorging ourselves to the point of having a food coma. But about showing gratitude for everything we have today. So just to show I'm not a hypocrite, I will tell you what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for God in my life, family, friends, that I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I'm grateful for the support of my family and my friends. I'm grateful for music, art, trees, rain, not snow (sorry but I'm not grateful for snow), flowers (roses specifically), technology (since without it you wouldn't be reading this), socks, literature, theater, dark chocolate, energy drinks (I know, I shouldn't be grateful for those but I am), watches, teachers/professors, modern transportation (though I do think it would be fun if we had to ride horses to get to places), cameras, freedom, democracy (since without that I wouldn't really be able to express myself), History books (they are fascinating to read), modern medical care, deodorant (that's right...its important). I'm grateful for the brilliant minds that brought us most of these things that we have. Such as: electricity, transportation, the declaration of independence, bill of rights...etc. This is actually just a small list of things I'm grateful for. But you get the idea. Showing gratitude is very important and not just on Thanksgiving. We should try to have an attitude of gratitude in all that we do. Think about it, do we really appreciate the era we have been born into? I don't know how many people think about that. I am glad I was born in this day in age since it would suck hard core to have been born during the renaissance for example. At the same time it would have been amazing, but really, if you think about all the stuff that really went on then, it wouldn't have been that great. (Don't get me wrong...I love the renaissance. Mid-devil times are actually my favorite time period to study). But seriously, to have been born in the United States, I think we take our freedom for granted. And every once in awhile we should stop and think about how grateful we are to our forefathers who fought for our rights and privileges in the first place.


What does Thanksgiving really mean? Is it just about the huge roasted bird, the mashed potatoes and gravy, the large amount of excess food that can be used for days after? Or does Thanksgiving have a deeper meaning. (Not that I’ve discovered.) Thanksgiving isn’t solely about the food but about families spending quality time together. Along with appreciating the sacrifices of ancestors/ forefathers who made this country what it is. Now the definition of Thanksgiving is a harvest festival celebrated primarily in the United States and Canada. Thanksgiving was a holiday to express thankfulness, gratitude, and appreciation to God, family and friends for which all have been blessed of material possessions and relationships. (Yes Sam, I copy and pasted that last bit from Wikipedia).
To go from a religious holiday to a holiday that encourages gluttony and slothfulness is rather sad. The couch may be the only thing you are capable of cuddling with on this day, as you fall asleep for 4 hours, wake up and enjoy the wholesome pie that was left over and a turkey sandwich. You may be terrified to step on a scale for fear of it breaking but don’t worry, sweat pants don’t judge.
So make sure you stock up on your TUMS and Alka Seltzer. Because heart burn and a stomach ache are heading your way. God Bless America.

Does my nerdiness know no bounds? NO!

I really am a huge freakin nerd. Its sad. My browser background is the "one ring" from Lord Of The Rings. Not to mention the fact that I own 5 superman t-shirts, one poster, 3 coloring books, two pairs of pajama pants, wallet, pillow cases, blanket, trash can, lunch box, binder, peachy folder thing, pencil case, stickers, piano theme music, key chain, action figure....and that's just of superman. Ironically I don't have the movie(s). I also have about 4 Ghostbusters shirts, ghostbusters comics, movies......*gasps* I don't have ghostbusters pajama pants! That's on my "to get" list....I have all the star wars movies not to mention star wars pajama pants....I own a lot of john deere stuff...Light cover, numerous toy tractors, shirts, sweat shirts, comforter, clock, ornaments, key chain, locker bank (i cant say piggy bank...its not a pig)...a few mugs....two hats....yeah...I'm a nerd....I also have many different marvel/DC comics, movies, etc.....I have the piano theme music for the star wars movies, James bond, harry potter, superman, Sweeny Todd, pride and prejudice, phantom of the opera, the office, Beethoven, Mozart, etc....... but it just makes up who i am, really. I own all the Harry Potter movies, The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, The Incredible Hulk, Spiderman, Batman Movies, the watchmen comic and movie, extended versions of the Lord Of The Rings....In fact I am proud to say I am a nerd. I love to play video games and I'm good at them (generally). I'll kick your trash at Super Mario Smash Bro.'s on the Wii. Or any super Nintendo game for that matter. I'm good at guitar hero/rock band. Gosh, not to toot my own horn, but I'm freakin awesome! Not to mention I'm good at sports and I am freakin hilarious. Gosh I'm pretty much the awesome package. EGO BOOST RIGHT HERE!!

How Music Effects Our Emotions

Music really does create a huge impact on us. It can alter our moods, even our thinking. What each individual considers music is another matter. Some forms of entertainment I don't really consider music, but, trash. Most rap for example. I don't really consider music. Many people would think a majority of my music choice is just "noise" rather then music. SO how do we decipher between what "noise" is and what music is? I have nieces who make up songs all the time and they think its music but generally I consider it noise. So it comes down to the individual. I woke up this morning with a rather "low" emotional basis. I wasn't exactly sad, but nor was I happy. Not that my emotional range consists of just those two either. But for simplicities sake I'll keep it there. So I started listening to love songs...didn't really do much for me. In fact I think they made it worse. So then I went to a drastic change and listened to hard rock/metal...and that didn't really do much for me either. So finally I settled with my 80's mix. For whatever reason, I am now in a fabulous mood. But then again I did just eat, so maybe I'm more content and less grouchy because I have sustenance. Either way, my mood has drastically improved because of what I am currently listening to. I even have specific types of music I listen to for almost every emotion. I have my angry music, my sad/depressed music, my happy music, and I even have specific music I listen to for when I'm drawing. But my music choice is always based on what my current mood is. I find that interesting that I will pick my music based on how I'm emotionally feeling that day/moment. Not saying that everyone does this but I have reason to believe that a majority of humans do. I haven't exactly made an experiment out of this theory but I've made my own observations. Not just with myself, but with those I associate with.

ICE ICE BABY

Ice...its a frustrating thing for a vehicle attempting to drive on it. Seriously, my jeep even has 4-wheel drive and its still having a hard time on the ice and snow. Not saying that 4-wheel drive will automatically make my vehicle immune to ice but its supposed to help...the only good thing so far is that my home has not yet lost power, knock on wood. But though I think the snow is beautiful, I am not a fan of the cold that comes with it. Especially since my car doesn't have proper heating. *sighs* oh well, such is life. I do rather enjoy frolicking in the snow. It has its temporary joys, such as, making snow people, snow angels, and snow ball fights. Though that last one can be devastating to some people emotionally...think about it. Being constantly plagued by flying frozen water at indeterminate speeds in the face or any other extremity that's out in the cold without proper protection, can very well damage people emotionally. Not me, but then again, I'm usually the one throwing the snow balls at people.

Floor vents are insufficient

So I asked my friend what I should blog about and he told me I should write about how floor vents are insufficient to cooling down a room. Now I had never really thought about this but it is an accurate statement. Since warm air rises and cool air falls, logically, a floor vent would be foolish to have for cooling a large room.

We have many floor vents in my work room and as Benjamin pointed out, our work room is often times too warm with all the bodies generating so much heat. Now if you think about it, the heat is hovering at the top of the room and with the vents on the floor the cool air is pooled at the bottom of the room. This doesn't allow good movement/circulation of air throughout the room. So what this tells me is that we have a lot of people who are hot heads and have cold feet. ;) just kidding. But really though, the most heat that people release off their bodies is off the top of their head. So adding that heat to the heat from everyone else in the room and it simply hovering above you with no motion of circulation, then your core body temperature is going to rise. Which creates perspiration, which explains the smell of the Academic Resource Center. Now I have been pondering the reason for why it smells so bad in the Center and now Ben, unwittingly, has given me the answer. If we had better ventilation of the room less people would sweat. Which would create a happier atmosphere in general, I would think.

TRUTHS

1. Nothing sucks more than that moment in the middle of an argument when you realize you're wrong.

2. I take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

3. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

4. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?!

5. Was learning cursive really necessary?

6. Map Quest should really start at #5 since I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

7. Obituaries would be more interesting if they told how the person died.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you aren't going to get anything productive down for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore anything that comes after Blue Ray? I would really like NOT to restart my collection.....again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page paper that I swear I didn't make any changes to.

13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this....ever.

14. I hate when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after you called me? Drop the phone and run away?

15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then see no one of importance all day. What a waste.

16. I keep some people's numbers in my phone so that I know not to answer when they call.

17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

18. I wish google maps had an "avoid ghetto" routing option.

19. Sometimes I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and realize I had no idea what as going on the first time I watched it.

20. I would rather try to carry 10 overloaded bags of groceries then make two trips.

21. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

22. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

23. How many times is it appropriate to say "what?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand what they said?

24. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong!

25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

26. There is no worse feeling then that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

27. As a driver, I hate pedestrians. As a pedestrian, I have drivers. But no matter what mode of transportation, I hate bicyclists.

28. Sometimes I'll look down three consecutive times at my watch and i still don't know what time it is.

29. Even under ideal conditions people still have a hard time locating their car key's in a pocket, finding their cell phone or pinning the tail on the donkey....but I bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, with their eyes closed, the first time, every time!

30. "That was my last piece of gum" - biggest lie in America

BLAZING INFERNO

HOLY SPICE. This soup is HOT. I’m not talking about physical temperatures either. I’m talking about fiery inferno of spices coursing down the inside of my throat, burning a hole through my stomach. That’s right. New soup in town in the cafeteria. I’m not even positive what it’s called but I have dubbed it a new name. SATAN’S JOY RIDE OF PAIN, ya you heard me.
I’m not joking, I love hot spices and hot sauces but I have rarely experienced a hot food that made me want to rip my lips off my face. Oh, and drinking a refreshing beverage does not help. In fact, it intensifies the inferno raging down your throat.
Now I have NEVER done drugs but I think I started hallucinating, it was that hot. You must understand, I have been eating hot foods since I was a child. Not only did I start crying boiling hot tears of pain but I also think I may have blacked out.
But I do have some good things to say on the soup’s behalf. It has a delicious flavor. More noodles for your dollar and all around rather satisfying, Minus the burning sensation you’ll have while and after eating it. It is currently being sold in the schools cafeteria. You should go check it out and try it….if you’re up for the challenge!

Smelly...Situations

Well so far we have nothing of interest to discuss in this blog. The fish and chips epidemic in C-170. The current state of the room is currently rank with fishy smells. The BO epidemic is also a problem. The combination of the smells stated make being in the room less then...desirable. So please, good hygiene is important, because if cleanliness is next to Godliness, I wouldn’t want individuals to think this is purgatory.

Sports

Oh freak. I love sports. I love playing sports, I love watching sports. But oddly enough I love becoming injured from playing sports. Its as if i didn't do my best if I don't get injured in some way.( I know I should seek counseling for something like that but eh ). Anyway, I don't know what it is but if I end up getting injured from playing then it motivates me to play harder/ better. I know it is a weird mentality to have but whatever gets me to play better. Now I do become injured on a fairly regular basis from playing sports so maybe I'm just accident prone. I'm not sure which it is. See I never get injured enough to the point where I cant continue playing and even if I do get injured to that point I ignore it and play anyway. Like when I played Ultimate Frisbee, second game I played I was plowed over and had a small concussion. Now normally most people would stop playing or take it easy after that. Nope, not me. Just keep going and the adrenaline will take care of the rest. And despite that injury I did really well that game. If you ever watched me play water polo, almost every game I had either and ankle taped or multiple fingers. or both. But hey, whatever keeps me in the game. Its something about sports that I love. I love being part of a team and being competitive. And its an enjoyable way to exercise. So, overall, sports are amazing. And even if you don't think you are athletic, who cares. Play anyway.

PSYCHED!

Okay so I just made myself a "Get PSYCHED" mix on playlist.com freakin love it.

Here are the songs:

You Give Love A Bad Name - Bon Jovi
I Wanna Rock - Twisted Sister
Don't Stop Believin' - Journey
The Humpty Dance - Digital Underground
You're The Best Around - Joe Esposito
Lick It Up - KISS
Tom Sawyer - Rush
Rock You Like A Hurricane - Scorpions
The Transformers Theme - Vince DiCola with Optimus Prime
Come Sail Away - Styx
Paradise City - Guns n Roses
Dancing With Myself - Billy Idol
Free Bird - Lynyrd Skynyrd (second half only)
Panama - Van Halen
Ain't Talkin About Love - Van Halen
Thunderstruck - ACDC
High Enough - Damn Yankees
Coming Of Age - Damn Yankees
Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield
Talk Dirty To Me - Poison
Dr. Feelgood - Motley Crue
Hip Hop Hooray - Naughty by Nature
Round and Round - Ratt

It's LEGEN...........................wait for it................DARY! It really does make me psyched! :)

Ponderings

You know, generally, I don't really think that I have anything important to contribute to this blog. Nothing profound or important to make people think or anything like that. Its just me. Talking. Either about something that irritated me or something I found of interest. But nothing that would help better our Society or even the people around me (or read this blog, if any do). But I feel a sense of disappointment within myself, that I cant possibly contribute something useful. And just like the rest of my blog entries and musings, this entry is nothing spectacular or important. I wonder why it is that I can't seem to write about anything vital. Is my life to utterly boring that I can't write anything important? Or am I just like every average human being who only thinks of themselves? I have people all around me who say or do things that are important but yet I have not made an impact.

With Liberty and Justice for All

All things have to change. And though we don't always like it...we have to accept it. You know people always say you don't value somethings until its gone. We don't. We don't truly value something until we have lost it. Freedom for example, we take our freedom for granted. We say we have rights. Well the only reason we have those rights and privileges are because our ancestors fought for them. They understood that life was the priority and that it should be free to live as one chooses. (With proper rules I know). But still, do you ever really think about what the Constitution or the Bill of Rights actually says and means? I have, but then again I took a law class, but it made me realized how fortunate I am today because of the sacrifices of those before me. Even our pledge of allegiance is a symbol of how freedom and our alliance to our country and what it stands for. How many people really think about the thing they are pledging their allegiance to? Its not a flag you are pledging to, but what that flag stands for and means for everyone. How many people realize what they are actually saying? Seriously, who knows what indivisible means without looking it up? indivisible: undivided, as one, a whole. We are a nation of many, who stand as one, in conviction to seeing justice done.

Thinking

I like things that will make me think more in depth about them. Generally its not always "things" or objects...but people. I find people fascinating. The "why" for things they do or the rational they come to to make things okay in their minds. It really is astounding the capacity humans have to rationalize things. Sociopaths can rationalize for the "why" they do it. They justify their actions. And actually that is a great danger of the sociopath. Their ability to rationalize their decisions to the point that they don't feel the need to take responsibility for their actions.The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. It really is amazing. I've been reading a lot of books on Psychotherapy. Not that I'd considered becoming a Psychologist, but I want to know why people do the things they do and how they came to that decision. I have seen some people do pretty stupid things in my life and not saying I'm exempt. I, myself, have made some incredibly stupid decisions in my life. I guess what I don't understand is how people can blame someone else, instead of taking the responsibility. I understand it is easier to blame then to accept it but really what's the point of that?

Zombie

alright...so this is my makeup for the Zombie Prom for church. Personally I think I did alright. Kristie helped with the hair but all in all I think that I captured the Zombie look.

Nice Guys Don't Always Finish Last.

I like guys. Not usually a specific "type" of guy as today's society puts it. But I generally lean more towards the nerd population. I like smart guys. Its refreshing to have a conversation about more then just sports. (Though as an athletic nerd myself I do enjoy sports) But generally I find that guys who are "nerd" types are way better to like in the first place. Since, like any semi-normal female, I enjoy being treated nicely or of value to the opposite sex, they generally do treat you better then the "jock" or "musician". No girl likes to feel stupid and guys who purposefully try to make me feel stupid get to meet the "verbally abusive" Brenda. Which is not often but on occasion can happen. I generally try to treat people in a courteous manner. Why be rude? There is no point to that. Though I will be forced to retaliate if I am mistreated.

Men or boys seem to confuse the crap out of me. Generally I have a pretty good grip on them but lately not at all. When they say one thing and do another then what they say, it creates a problem. Mass confusion and irritation are usually the response to such actions. But alas, I have the tendency to just take it. I don't respond with how I actually feel I just say "fine" or "Okay, I understand". I have found this is not always the best thing to do. It tends to leave it in the guys mind that they can treat me poorly. So I have decided that I'll be honest with men (but people in general also) when I find something that has effected me in a negative way that they've done. Why should I constantly keep my feelings to myself when they have freely expressed theirs? Its not like I'm going to burst into tears and cry. No, that's just obnoxious in the first place. So I have progressively removed guys who have treated me bad from my social life or life in general. It makes life that much more simple.

Nice guys are by far the best. I have been pretty blessed with my guy friends. Most, if not all, are usually very kind to me. They let me invade their space ever now and again for a hug. I love hugs so it just makes my life that much better that they let me hug them. So basically if you want to be my friend just give me hugs and I'll be nice to you forever. If you are wanting to be more then a friend that's a whole different story. Usually that requires a hug and at least a date (hahaha not always though). I don't have huge "requirements" for guys. Mainly just be nice to me, smell good, be intelligent and funny. There is always a small element of physical attraction but usually a guys personality will win out way over that. As long as I can just enjoy being around that person that's all I really want. I've found that nice guys are the only one's a can put my trust in. And that is very important to me. Past experiences have caused me to become very closed about personal things, but the only guys I ever really share things with tend to be nice ones.

Mainly because life has taught me that I can't always trust the male population. They have alterior motives, in general not always, towards females. I'd like to believe not all males are this way. So I try to be friends with people, or males, that I can trust. That I don't have to worry will use what I share with them against me. (which has happened multiple times to me, thus my reasons for lack of trust). It is a slow and difficult process for me to accomplish but I have come a long way. Not all guys are jerks as some women like to say. On the contrary a lot of the male population is quite nice. I think that women mainly claim that because they have been treated poorly by a small population of males that our society has deemed the "social acceptable" male.

Anthropologically that is incorrect. Unfortunately society decides what is the "ideal" male. But as you may have noticed that specification changes with each generation. In the 1920's the super skinny tall males were considered the most attractive and ideal. Then as society and social norms changed, so did the ideal. It gradually changed to the muscular and tall male. Ones who were assertive in their masculinity. Just as the ideal has changed for women as well. Back in the late 1800's large women were considered beautiful (still valid in some cultures world wide today)whereas the thin women were considered less then desirable. Mainly because if you were a large women it meant that you were wealthy enough to feed yourself. Now in today's society that isn't the case. Generally the overly thin supermodels are considered beautiful and the large women not-so-much. Though I have found among my male friends that girls who are "curvy" are much more desirable. One of my friends said he likes "curvy" girls because he doesn't want to feel like he's hugging himself when he hugs someone. So I assume that's a valid reason of any. I tend to try and ignore social norms and like a person for who they are and not for what society or anyone else thinks I should like. I'm assuming that most guys like a variety of girls, very rarely have I come across a male who refuses to compromise in his liking for someone. But then again it all depends on the male. I don't pretend to understand the way guys think. On the contrary I rarely can understand their line of thought. But I've come to notice that though, among a few of my male friends, they think they wont find that "special someone", that isn't true. All of the couples I've observed the husbands are the nice ones. The one's who are not I've come to notice aren't always the happiest, and tend to enjoy bachelorhood thinking they are awesome for it. Personally I'd rather have a happy nice guy then a man who isn't content to be with their spouse/girlfriend. Then again, maybe I'm just weird. But its one of my quirks to be a bit odd. I can be very socially awkward at times.

Outlook

So I find that when I dress nice, not necessarily dressed up, but just well put together I think better of myself and I have a better day. Small decisions can make a large impact.

Everything Happens for a Reason

There is a single sentence in the human language that just drives me crazy. "Everything happens for a reason". That is a down right bucket of crap right there. As a matter of fact everything doesn't happen for a reason. Actually things happen because of our actions. Things are not preordained to just happen. NO. This is why we have free will. This is why we have the ability to think for ourselves. If we didn't then by saying "Everything happens for a reason" is simply justifying yourself and not taking responsibility for your actions. You have just given up the right to think. We have agency but with that comes responsibility. Without consequences to reinforce what's right and what's wrong then that sentence "everything happens for a reason" is then made valid. Instead of stepping up and accepting the consequences, by admitting you did something wrong, you instead look to blame someone or something. For example, if I was to shoot someone and you asked me if I killed them I would say "no the bullet did. I just happened to be there when they died." or I could say "well everything happens for a reason and they were meant to die anyway I just stepped up and helped them out." No, I would go to jail for murder. Yes, that was an extreme example, sure, but what I'm trying to get at is that people can't just cop out and say everything happens for a reason. Things happen because we make choices and act on those choices and that's when things start to happen. Not before. You can play the "what-if" game all you want but when you get right down to it you made your choice. You can't go back. What's done is done. All you can do now is either continue doing good things or fix the things you messed up. But at least admit to yourself you messed up. Don't go around blaming everyone else for your problems. That's the most petty form of immaturity.

Every Saint has a Past, every Sinner has a Future

...................yeah......

Truth of things

What does this life hold for us? I realized something last night. I said "I'm a single...Nothing is going to happen to me until I get married." Just thinking back on that single thought...I realized how stupid that is. I have a purpose right now. I don't need to have a family to feel useful or to have a purpose. I need to start now. I need to keep myself busy and do things that are productive. No wonder I'm bored all the time. I never do anything productive or useful. And yes I need to feel useful and not lazy. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in a rut or that I have nothing to look forward to. My life isn't as bad as I make it sound. In fact I am pretty blessed in my life. I have a family that loves me and supports me and friends who are awesome. What do I really have to complain about? Nothing. Anything that goes wrong in my life is my own fault. What ever consequences that happen to me is because I did it. Not someone else. I can't blame people for my mistakes. Its about time I listened to those around me who have more experience and knowledge. Why flounder with something when I have someone I trust throwing me the lifeline to help. How foolish to waste all that energy fighting against the truth. The reality is that what exists, exists. No matter how much I want it to be different or change isn't going to make the truth go away. I can't ignore the truth when its staring me in the face. To ignore the truth of how things are is stupid. I just need to except the truth and then move forward. Think of the solution. Not the problem. If I focus so much on the problem then I will never find the answer I need.

hmmmm....i got nothin

Yeah this is basically what I got today...a whole lot of nothin. I'm bored and I have no actual work to do. And thanks to Jill I am now addicted to bubble spinner. Which is probably one of the most stupid FB games ever...but I cant help but play it. FOR HOURS....hahah so thank you Jill! ;)But really I am just annoyed with myself. i haven't been very productive lately.

HUH!?

You know it would be nice to know who is working with me and who isn't. I have a bunch of brand new tutors working with me but my boss didn't tell me who they were. So I'm thinking that there aren't any tutors on shift and here I find out that there are about 4. How aggravating. *sighs*

I'm gettin bugged...

My patience has reached its limits with people being stupid. I'm not going to put up with it any longer. If you are going to be mean to me or petty. Then you are not going to be a part of my life any longer. I'm done with it. Its stupid and unnecessary. There is no good reason to be rude or cruel. Just because your life sucks doesn't give you the right to treat people like crap. And try to make them miserable like yourself. The only other person I know who tries to make people miserable all the time is Satan. So go have fun and be best friends with Satan because just like I do to him I'm going to expel you from my life. I don't need you in it just like I do with him I will keep you away from me.

Workin hard...

Working two jobs one right after the other is starting to wear me out. Which is ridiculous because I used to do things that were twice as hard as my current jobs! I'm a secretary in the day and fair ride operator at night. And the ride I operate isn't all that difficult. But goodness...I am exhausted! I have been getting to bed late and then getting up early. But I used to get up at 5am to swim for 2 hours and now I can barely get up at 7am! How pathetic! But since I'm only getting 3-4 hours of sleep...no wonder I'm tired :P *Sighs* I think I'm getting sick on top of everything else too...Ugh....Too late now. I gave my word and I'm working everyday...no days off.

Things I've realized....

There are some things I've come to realize over the years:

1. Not everyone will see things the way I do. And that's okay.
2. Maturity does not come with age
3. When life seems perfect/great, something will come and try to ruin it.
4. There is always a nice way to tell people something important. Even when it could hurt their feelings
5. Don't let your passions rule your reasoning
6. People are stupid
7. Change is a good thing
8. Life is never fair, get over it

Now I've known these things. Don't get me wrong. It's not like I just noticed them. But lately they've been cropping up more and more in my recent life. And every once in awhile I notice that I do these things or whatnot. But I try not to. I realize that my way isn't always the best or most efficient. So letting others help me or tell me other ways of doing things isn't trying to demean me or say I'm not intelligent. It just means there is never one way to look at something and thus, creates an opportunity to learn. That goes along with maturity, realizing that you aren't always right and take the criticism with stride. Learn from it. Don't let one thing impede your life. Allowing your passions to take control of your life never really benefits anyone. There is a difference between being passionate about something and letting your passions control your actions. We can't always control our atmosphere/environment, but we can always control ourselves/responses. In a world full of chaos, serenity can be achieved by taking a deep breath and stepping back to get a full view of what you are looking at. Self evaluate every once in awhile. Take a firm hold of your life and say "This is where I NEED to be and this is what I need to do to achieve it" It isn't as hard as we make it seem in our minds.
Things and people come and go in our lives. Try not to let it bother you. You may think that someone/thing will always be a part of your life. Well to be honest...that's not true at all. People I thought would be in my life forever aren't anymore. And people I least expected to be a part of my life are now a significant part. Specific people come at very specific times, it is never random. They do their part in either helping you to progress or they stunt your progression. But either way you have learned something. You either figure out that you don't need that or you find out you needed help more then you would have guessed. But either way those people have served their purpose. Accepting that fact, that you cant always have what you want, will greatly be to your advantage. It can help you with later struggles in life, to realize not everything is under your control.
Change is hard. Rarely have I noticed an easy change in my experiences. Change is usually meaningful either for better or worse. But still important. Learning from change or trials that change us is always important. We may not like the changes but either way we have to accept them. Why deny that something is different? It is inevitable for change to occur. We cannot stop it. Nor should you try to stop change. People/things are always going to change or be different. Now trying to elicit a change in a person, other then yourself, is difficult. Trying to force change were none is wanted or needed will never get a positive response. Instead what usually occurs is a negative one. Either they will tenaciously stick to the thing you are trying to change about them or they will push you away. And neither party will profit. Instead it just creates a void in that relationship. For someone to change it has to be their own will/wanting. I have never met someone who wanted to change because people told them to. Now changing for another person rarely works out. Because if that person leaves or is no longer a part of your life then what? You changed for them and it didn't matter. They didn't appreciate that you changed. Always make changes to better yourself. Never to try and please someone else. People will learn to like and accept you for who you are, unconditionally. If they don't then they aren't important. Why be friends with someone who doesn't appreciate your friendship? What would be the point of compromising yourself for them? They hold you in no value. So simply remove them from your life. It's that simple.

Weather

I am loving this weather! I love the rain it makes my day so much better! It is fan-freaking-tastic!! and yet i am sitting in an office making phone calls...good grief I'm bored! it's not like its hard work but my goodness it gets boring saying the same thing over and over again for 4 hours. *sighs* well whatev its a paycheck! :) soon i will have at least some money to pay for at least gasoline! It doesn't help that I'm starving as well. I ate frozen strawberries for breakfast....what a stupid idea! hahaha...I only say its stupid because now that my metabolism is up and running I'm even more hungry then normal. I'm not used to eating breakfast this early in the morning. Now you may think that 10am isn't early. And you're right...it's not. BUT I didn't eat at 10am I ate at 7am! so HA! :P I didn't eat breakfast yesterday and I didn't get hungry till at least 1pm...which was great since I got off work at 1pm. But now I must suffer for eating delicious frozen things in the morning...gay...
And on top of a boring/hungry morning...I got locked out of the office I am working in. hahaha. Not gonna lie I feel kind of retarded. I work in a smaller office within a big main office area and no one else was in the main office...or so I thought. But I had to use the bathroom so I left and the door was open and then when I came back the door was shut and locked! Least to say I was slightly surprised when I saw that! :P But all worked out in the end. I found Edrease and he opened the door for me and then I was able to get back to work making phone calls and listening to music. How exciting my life is.........................not.
BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED...can you tell what I am right now?

Ms. Universe

i'm watching ms. universe...i'm interested in what drives such woman to go through all of that for a crown. what on earth would make them really want it in the first place? who asks themselves "well i'm hot...why not join a competition against equally attractive women who all are fighting for a crown?" makes no sense to me. now i understand a sports competition but i cannot understand what is to be gained by walking across a stage in skimpy outfits for the world to see and giving answers to questions that are rehearsed. now i understand there are great perks like custom clothing, shoes, professional makeup and hair, jewelry, photoshoots, and traveling....who wouldn't want that i suppose...and no i'm not jealous. i just am curious as to the motive of why. maybe i just gave the answer with the perks...but things of the world aren't all that important.

hahahahahahahah

quote of the night: "redrum....its like murder!" hahahahaha

Delusions

Megan is in denial. She keeps saying its not going to be a date and even though he wont think its a date....she will eventually think its a date. She can lie to herself but I really know her. I know her mind process........muahahahahahahaha!

:D

SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!

Drowning

Good morning day
Sorry I’m not there
But all my favorite friends
Vanished in the air
It’s hard to fly when you can’t even run
Once I had the world, but now I’ve got no one

If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I drown….drown

Good morning day
Sorry you’re not here
All those times before
We’re never this unclear
It’s hard to walk when you can’t even crawl
Once I had this world, but now I’ve lost it all

If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I drown

Rolling faster than I’m breathing
Drown
Rolling faster than I’m breathing
Drown
Rolling faster than I’m breathing

If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I
(Save myself before I drown, save myself before I drown, save myself before I drown)

Never Enough

I'm so fed up with everyone around me...(No one seems to care)I'm just so far gone and nothing's gonna change..(I'll never be the same.It's always do this, do that,
Everything they want to...I don't want to live that way...Every chance they get they're always..Pushin me away.It's never enough.No it's never enough.No matter what I say...It's never enough.No it's never enough..I'll never be what you want me to be...It's all so messed up and no one ever listens...(Everyone's deranged)...I'm just so messed up and I'm never gonna change...(Wanna lay it all to waste)...They're always say this, say that,Nothing that you want to..I don't want to live that way
Every chance they get they're always..Shovin me aside!I'm DONE!In the end we're all just chalklines on the concrete...Drawn only to be washed away..For the time that I've been given..I am what I am.I'd rather hate you..For everything you are.Than ever love you...For something you are not.I'd rather you hate me...For everything I am.Than have you love me.For something that I can't...It's never enough...It's never enough...No matter what I say...No matter who i try to be...No it's never enough
No matter how I try to change.Never never enough..I'll never be what you want me to be.
-Five Finger Death Punch

And I am fine...

Some days are worse then others...yesterday and today....yeah......the loneliness rages on. We all suffer from doubts...on the outside I look fine maybe even appear happy, its a lie. I'm not happy. I'm lying to you when I say I'm okay or that nothing is wrong. I'm overwhelmed with this torrent of emotion...I don't like it. I don't want to feel...A lot of the time I used to view things with a vague disinterest...but now, I can't. Now the nightmare is real...but I wont feel...a thing. I can't allow myself to be drawn into the game. I don't like the rules...so I'm going to change them. I simply wont play. The problem with caring for people is that you get hurt too. And for what? What do I get out of it besides pain? Nothing...I get absolutely nothing. Except more pain and loneliness and even jealousy...which leads to anger. Which I usually am...I am always angry. I don't look it. But trust me...I am. I shouldn't wish I was someone else. I shouldn't want to be anyone but myself. But what if I'm not good enough? Because no matter how hard I try it never seems to be enough, for anyone, let alone myself. I don't know why I vent my thoughts on here. It's pointless. I can't adequately describe my thoughts or feelings why bother really to try and write them down. It makes no difference.

Honesty

Our society lacks it. Why do people lie to your face? If you don't like me or don't like something I'm doing bring it to my attention. Don't try and pretend it doesn't bother you. It does. SO TELL ME STUPID. I don't want you to pretend to care about me or tolerate me. I don't care if you like me but at least let it be known that you don't. Good. I will avoid you and make it better for you. SO DON"T BE EFFING STUPID.

Dr. Horrible

BRAND NEW DAY

This appeared as a moral dilemma ‘cause at first

It was weird though I swore to eliminate the worst

Of the plague that devoured humanity it’s true

I was vague on the “how” - so how can it be that you

Have shown me the light?



It's a brand new day

And the sun is high

All the birds are singing

That you're gonna die

How I hesitated

Now I wonder why

It’s a brand new day



All the time that you beat me unconscious I forgive

All the crimes incomplete - listen, honestly I'll live

Mr. Cool, Mr. Right, Mr. Know-It-All is through

Now the future's so bright and I owe it all to you

Who showed me the light



It's a brand new me

I got no remorse

Now the water's rising

But I know the course

I'm gonna shock the world

Gonna show Bad Horse

It's a brand new day



And Penny will see the evil me

Not a joke, not a dork, not a failure

And she may cry but her tears will dry

When I hand her the keys to a shiny new Australia



It's a brand new day

Yeah the sun is high

All the angels sing

Because you're gonna die

Go ahead and laugh

Yeah I'm a funny guy

Tell everyone goodbye…

It’s a brand new day



EVERYTHING YOU EVER

Here lies everything

The world I wanted at my feet

My victory’s complete

So hail to the king

(Everything you ever…)

Arise and sing



So your world’s benign

So you think justice has a voice

And we all have a choice

Well now your world is mine

(Everything you ever…)

And I am fine



Now the nightmare’s real

Now Dr. Horrible is here

To make you quake with fear

To make the whole world kneel

(Everything you ever…)

And I won’t feel

A thing

Maniacle Plans

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. So I'm compositting a list of things I'll do when I'm an evil Overlord....

1.I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3.My noble half-sibling whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
4.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
5.I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them
6.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
7.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
8.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
9.The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
10.I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
11.When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
12.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
13.I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
14.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks
15.I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
16.No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot
17.No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
18.I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
19.My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble
20.I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
21.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief
22.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick
23.I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
24.I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
25.My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
26.If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
27.I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
28.Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
29.When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around
30.I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
31.I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
32.If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
33.I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
34.My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
35.Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.

Jealousy

Never helps a situation

fine

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......Well what else is there to do?.....nothing...and that's the problem. I sit here and sit here for hours and what do i have to show for it? NOTHING! I'm so tired of not having anything to do and i ask for things to do...what worker asks for things to do? *sighs* whatever.....i'm bored and lonely and i kind of hate it. i hate not having something or even someone to look forward to. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. That's what my word consists of at this moment in time. nothing.

Making choices

Well to make a choice we have to know right from wrong and we have to have something to choose between usually good and evil. Heavenly Father gave us our agency. That’s a gift. We have always had the ability to make choices for ourselves, even in the pre-existence we made the decision to come to earth. We chose to embrace righteousness. Making a choice isn’t a hard thing to do. We make choices on a continual basis throughout our day. Whether it is between what we wear or how we react to a situation. But our reaction is a choice. We choose to either react negatively or positively. But that is still a choice. So what choices have we made today? We are constantly being bombarded by Society and friends and family to decide things. To get married, choose a career, to do something with our lives. Which isn’t a bad thing at all but choosing what we want or what is best for us is a different matter. A lot of the time we rush decisions when we really should take a step back and breathe for a minute. I can honestly tell you that I have made decisions without thinking about the outcome. And it kind of just makes life harder.
Being members of the church we are an example to everyone around us. Whether we like to admit it or not, people are always watching our actions and reactions to things. We are “a light on a hill” for everyone to see. And a lot of people have the “my actions don’t affect anyone else, just me” mentality.Well to tell you the truth that’s a load of crap. Your actions never affect just yourself. President Faust tells us,.In this life we have to make many choices. Some are very important choices. Some are not. Many of our choices are between good and evil. The choices we make, however, determine to a large extent our happiness or our unhappiness, because we have to live with the consequences of our choices. Making perfect choices all of the time is not possible. It just doesn’t happen. But it is possible to make good choices we can live with and grow from.Some of our important choices have a time line. If we delay a decision, the opportunity is gone forever. Sometimes our doubts keep us from making a choice that involves change. Thus an opportunity may be missed. As someone once said,“When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that in itself is a choice.” Strangely, doing the wrong thing often seems reasonable, possibly because it seems to be the easiest course. We often hear as a justification for wrong behavior, “Well, everybody is doing it.” This kind of evil distorts the truth. As Nephi tells us,“Thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.” Other people’s actions do not dictate what is right or wrong. One person having the courage to make the right choice can influence many others to also choose wisely. I have such an experience in my own life. My Grandparents decided to listen to the missionaries and joined the church. My dad is a convert and how richly blessed my life is for that simple choice he made when he was 14. I am eternally grateful for those missionaries. Just think, if they hadn’t made the choices to be worthy and to go on missions how very different my life would be today.

Nothing's changed but everything is different.

I really hate being uncertain of things. Especially my own feelings. We all have doubts, that's normal...but this feeling of uncertainty is making me sick to my stomach. I am constantly wondering and pondering things I never thought I would. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!? My thoughts are forever churning, stumbling, moving throughout my mind. My thoughts are like a river flowing and cascading across the stones of choice. Forever moving never having a break or a moment to cease its anxious route. What am I to do? My thoughts are as water, I can hold them for just a moment before they are gone. The things I was sure of before...I don't even know anymore. Am I insane? Do I righteously deserve this? Why do I feel as if I never have any answers for myself or anyone else. You may ask yourself, "what could she possibly be thinking about to cause such mental strife." Even though I doubt you would use that kind of term. But I will not share on here my mental meanderings. So alas that was probably a pointless question to ask yourself. And now I really am insane. Who would speak and think the way I do? No one. I speak as if I were a 16th century bad poet trying to get their thoughts across with a pretty verse. Well they failed and so have I.

weird

Brenda Pogue, Your Decode Sexy Name is:

1:B = Beguiling

2:R = Rapturous

3:E = Exchanging

4:N = Nicely

5:D = Deftly

6:A = Amorous

7:P = Passionate

8:O = Offering

9:G = Gratification

10:U = Unit

11:E = Exchanging

Edge of the World

I know your face
I know your smile and how it plays
Into the minds of those who
Cling to every word you say

This isn't how I wanted to
Remember me and you
Your eyes are talking but
Your lips are standing still..
Open your mouth tell me
How I'm supposed to feel?

My finger pointing just a warning
So I suggest you..

Say you're wrong
Let's get this over I
Would like to get some sleep tonight
Let's get this over, I'd like to get some sleep tonight

You make it hard for me to leave
So very hard for me to leave
By now the lies you told are weighing on your chest
If I provide the rope I know you'll do the rest..

But I will not be an accessory
No I'm not who you think
And I will never be your enemy
So don't insult me

Say you're wrong
This could be easier
If I was over her
Say you're wrong
Let's get this over I
I know she's just a girl
But shes got me standing on the edge
I'm on the edge of the world

(My eyes are open for the first time)
(This place not yours it's in my own eyes)

I am not a man who lives a life of soldiers
I am not the kind of man who walks away
I will stand up face to face or toe to toe with anyone
Yes anyone..
Everything you said about me was the truth but
I just don't think that I can look at you the same
You're like a splinter that will never show its head to anyone
To anyone..
Now I know that I was not the man you wanted
You know I loved you and I wanted to make you proud
My intentions were to never give myself to anyone
Look what I've done

(Just look at what I've done)
My intentions were to never give myself to anyone
Look what I've done

Provoking Thoughts of Mine

What am I worth? Am I worth the price of the objects I possess? or am I something more? Now my family would say this is a redundant question, because I am priceless. And my worth cannot be measured by any worldly standard. But isn't that what the adversary is really telling us? That we are worthless and unimportant. How sad it is that people give into such hopeless thoughts about themselves. Now I'm not saying I've never felt worthless. I have. At specific times in my life I have felt that my life was meaningless and worth nothing. That I had nothing of value to contribute to those around me. And who would care whether I was there or not? Their lives would go on and I was sure they didn't need me. Why would anyone need me? Everyone else has someone to go to. I didn't think I was the "Go-To" friend when someone needed help...so who would care if I was gone. Well as it turns out...I am the "Go-To" person for many of my friends. They value my experiences and opinions for whatever reason. But I still have doubts about my worth. That grain has been planted into my subconscious. I question myself and others motives, but life has taught me that I need to do that. Not because I am worthless. Because I have had experiences with people using me and my friendship for their own personal gain and leaving me in the dust. Which is something that has never sat well with me. I don't appreciate being used. No one really does.

Favorite Quotes from my books

"Knowledge is a destination. Truth, the journey."-Zedd

"One must observe before one acts, or more harm then help can be the result." -Drefan Rahl

"It does the sheep no good to preach the goodness of a diet of grass, if the wolves are of a different mind." - Nathan

"Love is a passion for life shared with another person." -Nicci

"You talk like a drunk man walks: in every direction but where he is headed."-Adie

"Only a fool walks into the future backwards." -Commander General Trimack

"If the road is easy, you're likely going the wrong way."-Richard

"Evil is not one large entity, but a collection of countless, small depravities brought up from the muck by petty men."-Richard

"Everything is valuable under the right conditions. To a man dying of thirst, water be more precious than gold. To a drowning man, water be of little worth and great trouble."-Adie

"It is the first responsibility of a friend to provide a shoulder to cry on."-Richard

"Only those you trust can betray you."-Nathan

"Promise made . . . . Promise kept!"-Richard

"Dance with me death, for I am ready."-Richard

"Knowledge is a weapon. I intend to be formidably armed."- Richard

"Never let a woman set your path for you, when there is a man in her line of sight."-Kahlan

Wizard's Rules:
1.People are stupid... They will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true, or because they are afraid it might be true.
2.The greatest harm can result from the best intentions.
3.Passion rules reason.
4.There is magic in sincere forgiveness, the magic to heal. In forgiveness you grant, but more so, in forgiveness you receive.
5.Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie.
6.The only sovereign you can allow to rule you is reason.
7.Life is the future, not the past.
8.Deserve Victory.
9.A contradiction cannot exist in reality. Not in part, nor in whole.
10.Willfully turning aside from the truth is treason to one's self.
11.The Unwritten rule which must be experienced before true understanding. Everything exists within us.

Sundays...

Game night at seans.....fun stuff not gonna lie...watching planet earth...its awesome. And then playing apples to apples eating home made banana bread!

Nightmares

Tired as heck but still awake....not wanting to go home or to sleep....exhaustion is preferable to the nightmares I keep having. Some are of experiences I've had...or just fears in general that are brought to life in my dreams. Its hard to wake up from them sometimes...it all seems so real. But I know better. It isn't real, just a figment of my imagination. But still.....its never fun to go to sleep and have nightmares...especially since I always remember my dreams, or at least how they made me feel. I wonder if that's partly why I always have head aches....(which could very likely be caused by caffein that I drink all the time)....but lack of sleep is why I drink so much caffein so its really a no win situation. Not something I like really....oh now I'm just rambling...see this is what happens when I hit a really tired level with a head ache....(which I currently have) inspite of the fact that I took Tylonal.....it still persists to feel like there is a demon scratching my brain and the back of my eyes out with its jagged sharp claws....it hurts to move my eyes around quickly....kind of blows to have a head ache this bad....but I'm kind of used to them. I get them on a regular basis. No fun at all. But I continue throughout my day nonetheless. Which to some people is stupid to do. Working/school with a migrain. *shrugs* I'd get even more nothings done if I always stopped for my migrain to go away...sometimes it takes days for them to leave. So I ignore them for the most part...unless they get really bad.

Watch this video...

The link below is to a video called "Dove Evolution" It expresses that the media alters our perception of beauty in our society and how.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hibyAJOSW8U

Beauty...

What is beauty? How do we define it? Is it something that society tells us it is? Or is it how we view each other without bias(if that's possible). Our society depicts beauty as an achieved status. You can become beautiful in a sense. You apparently weren't beautiful before but if you wear this and look this way you will then become beautiful. The media influences a great deal of what we think of ourselves and others. We judge each other on the norms that society has given us that depict what beauty is. What a sad realization that is. That our society tells us what is beautiful and to make ourselves look that way or you wont be considered beautiful. Which is mostly an assimilationist attitude. You have to look this way and if you don't then you aren't what we, as a society, consider beautiful. Well beauty in many ways is a matter of opinion. What one person considers beautiful another may disagree.

Our culture puts an emphasis on woman to be thin. Which, in my mind, is an unrealistic point of view. Simply because everyone is genetically different. Not everyone genetically can be thin. Some have large bones or even diseases that keep them from becoming the "ideal". And what is the "ideal" woman in America? One that is thin and not considered overweight or "fat". Even though the ideal of woman, over time, has changed. It was once ideal for a woman to be stocky and boyish looking like in the 50's with the flapper. And now it has changed to a voluptuous woman. Not large, but curvaceous and thin at the same time. But how many women can actually achieve this? Not many.

Friends

Friends are funny things. They come and go throughout our lives and we learn something from them. They are our affiliated family so to speak. The specific people we choose to associate with. We love them and hope the best but we must watch them make choices and learn from mistakes. Its hard sometimes to watch people suffer from their mistakes. Or simply from loneliness, sadness, or anything associated with those terms. We wish they knew how it could be or what we know to help them. But if they choose to not be helped then what to do? We cant make them listen or take the advice. They may not see it as something beneficial. We all have suffered from pig headed-ness. I included. How much time and energy we waste on things that do not matter or are so unnecessary to go through. We can always learn from others experiences. I understand the value of learning for yourself through trials but we don't always have to do that.

Goals

Life is surprising in many ways. We have a mental picture of where we want to be in our life and then we have the actual reality that we don't always make it to our dream/goal. It isn't really something to feel bad about it. Just something to be mindful of. That though we plan and make goals in actuality we don't always achieve what we want. We may try our best but most of the time we don't make it. I don't know if you can regret not achieving a goal if it alters or changes over time. Since a lot of the time our goals change as we grow up. People always ask, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" well many kids say they want to be a super hero or a vet or even a teacher...but as they grow up they change their minds. They end up choosing something they never expected. Not to say that that is a bad thing. It most certainly is not. Its always good to have lots of options.

My own personal goals...I'm not sure anymore. My ultimate goal is to be a mother. Not right now of course...because that would require getting married and I'm currently not. But I thought I wanted to be an Art major...and then it changed to Forensic Anthropologist....which is something I find fascinating. But am I qualified for it? I'm not so sure on that one. I hope to succeed in such a difficult field, sure, but do I have the patience or discipline to focus all my energy on that? We shall have to see. Since I currently don't know. Being an Art Major would be fun. Since I have a talent in that area. But the focus is on the future. Will having a degree in Art pay the bills? Will I be able to enjoy it still or will it become a chore? I love art. I love drawing and attempting to express myself in such a way but will I still enjoy it if I have to do it? Whereas, anthropology I can get a job. Either teaching anthropology, or making my own personal studies in that field that people haven't considered before. It would be a constant fascination with people. Why we do things, how we do them, how we came to that conclusion and acted on it. All of those things I find intriguing. What to do....what to do.

Working?

Is that what you call this? I don't call it work...I call it tedious.

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BBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Contemplations

What to write....what to write....thoughts always streaming and running through my mind. Never ceasing, never relenting, not a moment of piece. Continuous movements I see in my head. Images, words, thoughts, colors, people, all are there. Shouting at me to make a decision, to come to a conclusion. Figures dancing fluidly across my memories, things my heart used to know but now are no longer things I can recollect. Did that really happen? Was it a dream or a thought? A scenario I played out in my mind? How did reality become so distorted...things used to be so black and white in my mind now it is muddled with grays and every hue in between...is right and wrong still just that? or is wrong right and right now wrong....such sick twisted thoughts and actions we see in our lives today...how are we to deal with it all? All of the advertisements and media that spout horrible and horrifying realities and misconceptions? All of which we take into our thoughts and minds, images we can bring back to the for front of our minds to view at anytime we please...is this the legacy our future posterity as to look forward to? What a mad world we live in. And I'm not using the term mad as in angry, but mad as in insane. People going about their lives not realizing that things are becoming trivial that we once thought was horrifying. We see malicious acts committed and we do nothing to stop it. Wanting people to listen, you can't just tap them on the shoulder anymore. You have to hit them with a sledgehammer, and then you'll notice you've got their strict attention. We tolerate it because it's common, it's trivial. We tolerate it morning, noon, and night.

Stupid People

People are stupid. Its a fact. There are things such as intelligent people. But they are rare and for the most part none existent. Its not really sad that this is true....just tiring. And I am not saying that I am the brightest bulb in the box or anything like that...but seriously. I have met some of the dumbest people ever at my job. I mean really, do people not use their brain? It's really not that complicated to use your brain. It may be complicated to understand what the heck these people are trying to do by not using their brain but that's what I get for using my own. If the answer is something severely obvious why would you ask a dumb question. I know people say there are no such things as stupid questions but really there are. And its sad that people feel the need to ask questions that are so unnecessary. Even the most intelligent person can ask a stupid question and it is a shame.

Where I stand....

One more kiss could be the best thing
Or one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And your not something I deserve

CHORUS
In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
And I know what I'm going through

CHORUS
In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go, let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside
I know, I know
But all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows, who knows

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go

(you don't know)
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't know who I am

(you don't know)
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't know me

What drives me.....

NOTHING

ALWAYS ANGRY

I don't really know why. That in itself is frustrating. I try to live my life as best I can. But what if my best isn't enough. What if at first you don't succeed you never will....what if no matter how hard you try it doesn't matter? Somethings get broken and you cant fix it that's just the way it is sometimes. And that is something I am not willing to accept. I cannot abide by that fact, that somethings, no matter what, cannot be altered or changed. Because anything is possible. Anything has the capacity for change. To evolve, for a lack of a better term, and make something of itself. To improve your abilities/talents to the point of "perfection"...I may not be perfect but I can perfect something about myself or my talents to the point that I feel a sense of contentment. If that made sense then alright, which I'm sure it didn't. Which is sad that I can't seem to get my thoughts across the way I want them to.

Interesting

I love having spiritual talks with people who are not of my religion. Learning new perspectives and thought processes are always a fascinating thing. I thoroughly enjoy it. :) Good experiences indeed!

Waste

Dreams are funny things. They heighten your feelings, make you feel it even more. Why do we want things that are no good for us? Alcohol, drugs, even people can effect us, not just chemically, but other ways.We want it. It creates longings that normally wouldn't be there. Thoughts and needs that didn't exist until it was in our "system". And yet, we see the trouble, in others lives and even our own, but we do nothing about it.And once it's out of our system, we don't realize how much better we are without it. Instead, we ache and long for it. For what we once had and desired. But as it turns out we don't need it. We stare so long at the door that was shut in front of us that we don't look to see the door opened behind us.

....*sighs*....

It is but a shadow and a thought that you love. I cannot give you what you seek.

MIGRAIN!

3 16oz Red Bulls....plus 3 hours of sleep.....=energy for school and dance class.....and angry migrains.....Good thing Emma is gonna make me go eat food.....since I think I'm going to crash soon.....inspite of the energy drinks I woke up this morning well rested and full of energy....

No one will save you

I dont really know why I'm writing....just one of those compulsive things I think. I think I've come to the point with certain aspects of my life where I just give up. Which for me is a hard thing to admit. Since I very rarely give up on anything. I enjoy the challenge....usually. But somethings are just obnoxious. I have had a constant head ache from trying to understand people and situations. And I'm tired of it. I've gotten to the indifferent stage of my emotions. Which in time everything goes there. I hate it when that happens. *sighs* oh well.

If you take a life
Do you know what you'll give?
Odds are you won't like What it Is.

When the storm arrives
Would you be seen with me?
By the merciless eyes I've deceived

I've seen angels fall from blinding heights
But you yourself are nothing so divine
Just next in line

Arm yourself because no one else here will save you
The odds will betray you
And I will replace you
You can't deny the prize it may never fulfill you
It longs to kill you
Are you willing to die?
The coldest blood runs through my veins
You know my name

If you come inside
Things will not be the same
When you return to my eyes

And if you think you've won
You never saw me change
The game that we have been playing

I've seen diamonds cut through harder men
Then you yourself but if you must pretend
You may meet your end


Arm yourself because no one else here will save you
The odds will betray you
And I will replace you
You can't deny the prize it may never fulfill you
It longs to kill you
Are you willing to die?
The coldest blood runs through my veins

Try to hide your hand
Forget how to feel (forget how to feel)
Life is gone
With just a spin of the wheel (spin of the wheel)


Arm yourself because no one else here will save you
The odds will betray you
And I will replace you
You can't deny the prize it may never fulfill you
It longs to kill you
Are you willing to die?
The coldest blood runs through my veins
You know my name (You Know My Name)


You Know My Name (You Know My Name)
You Know My Name
You Know My Name
You Know My Name

Nothing useful

Being emotionally withdrawn has its set backs. I close people out. I make my people concerned about me when really there is nothing to be concerned about. And even though I tell them there is nothing to worry about they worry more. Its silly really...and rather unneccassary. If I'm withdrawn then I'm usually thinking about something that is important to me. Not that it would be important to anyone else....but to me...its something that is going to occupy my thoughts. And obviously this blog. Well technically it wont take up the blogs thoughts....since the blog isn't senciant....yeah that's right I went there. And no...I'm not going to share what is on my mind. Since that would defeat the point of being withdrawn and thinking. Since if anyone else could hear my thoughts they wouldn't be personal thoughts anymore but common knowledge...I'm not sure that last sentence made any sense...But that's alright. It didn't really have to since I'm the one who understands what I am thinking about. I don't think I'll be writing a novel like I normally do when writing in this blog. Which I don't really know if that's unusual for me or not. But maybe I will...and by the looks of it I already am writing a novel. Mindless ramblings are always interesting to read later. Who knows, maybe I'll say something profound. Though I doubt that will be the case. Since I very rarely say anything useful. Which in itself is a "profound" personal observation. But seeing as I am a fairly observant person in general really isn't that shocking that I would notice something like that about myself. Yup, mindless useless garbage that just seems to float around in my cranium. How meaningful, as my aunt pointed out. "Do you have an original thought at all?" Obviously, but if she has to ask me such nonsense then she doesn't really know me very well. How boring people must think I am. Though I am not. I can be a lot of fun if I decide to be. But then again, I'm naturally a fairly "upbeat" sort of person. Or at least I'm told I am. And for the most part that is true. Unless its a day like today where I've decided to be withdrawn and actually think about things that are happening in my life. Which for the most part are a lot of things I can't control. Which I probably shouldn't think about since it'll just make me irritated that I can't change the situation. I can simply control how I react in or to the situations. Which in my head is very logical. Just look at the situation rationally and for the most part you'll be able to figure it out. But a lot of the time our emotions are so strong that they consume our thoughts. Reacting to things with only emotion is very dangerous in my mind. Because if we only react we'll end up doing or saying something that we will regret later. Not something I find appealing. Newton's law of physics :There is a reaction to every action. But how we react to something is important. Because no matter what there will be a reaction. But how we deal with that reaction of ours is what is important to remember.

Weddings....

Seems to me that all of my friends are getting married. That's pretty awesome not gonna lie...